Thinking

So, Rewriting Writng. I lost this whole thing and decided to take a day before I rewrote.

I missed a week here and I had time to think. I needed some time to think, I think.

I thought about the family I called fiends. I was thinking that they did what they did out of cowardice rather than malice. I believe that you have to have courage in order to act with malice. They are those people who are lazy and selfish abot EVERYTHING. And they are translating that message to their children. He is a bully and a punk. She is a bitch and fucking lazy as hell. cowards and fools I am beyond them.



I was thinking about Friends, or the punk ass bitch nigga I used to call friend. I always knew he was a punk ass though, so.... I remember when he used to kick people out of his car on the side of the road, anywhere, just for "mking him angry". Like he's the fucking hulk or something.

"Arrrgh! Don't make me angry, or I'll put you out." Punk ass never even attempted to put me out. He said it was because I was always cool, I think it was because he was/is a coward. I know for a fact he used to get his wife fucked up, they are both alcoholics, so that he could fuck around on her. And this would happen right in her house, right in her face. I wouldn't be at all suprised if it still does. I think we were friends out of habit more than anything. He has this reputation as a philanthropist, and a benvolent, and kind friend. But it's not true. The man as much admited that he kept some people around for their entertainment value. He has said to me before that he invites women from his job to his parties hoping to get somebody laid. I know for a fact that is you don't fit in to his idea of what's right and wrong you become an outcast. Oh, you can speak your mind, but as soon as you say something no one likes, like:

"Jesus is a fictional character similar to Santa Claus, or the Tooth Fairy." All fucking hell breaks loose. Or when you stand up to a cop that had no business in your business in the first place, you are a maniac and a subversive individual. Well here is that I think his problem is: While on the one hand he will sit and place a front as a good person, her is in all honesty more like a Baccus or Dionysus. He is fat and breathes like a bull, he drinks too much, eats too much and lechery is his watch word. Debauched and depraved, he hides his true nature under the thin veil of suburban respectability. He's a punk and a coward and I wish he would have the balls to face me but he won't.

I was thinking about my ex-wife. I was thinking that she doesn't think I understand what she is going through. Hell, if the ecomomy is rough for us with 5 mouths to feed, it must be killing her to live in her parents house with one, bright and self sufficient 5 year old. It's got to be hard to drive to Abeline every Saturday to hang out with a man who only weeks ago sent you home in tears. She doesen't understand that I KNOW I only have a small portion of the divorce papers. I am with a woman who is also getting a divorce and I see it all. I get one small packet...where's the rest I ask you? Oh, I don't ask because one; I really don't give a fuck about what she claims from that storage building, Two; anything she does to me out of spite will be harder on out daughter than on me, and I really don't think she's that vindictive. Lost, lonely, foolish, but not vindictive. I think, as I whip up super meals around here, and care for the house and kids, that I used to do all this and more for her. For her I've worked fourteen hour a day jobs, drove busted abd broken down old petrerbuilts' around this state and beyond, I deliverd papers at all hours of the day, I cared for her needs, I went to the laundrymat when we had no way of doing it at home, I cooked and cleaned and never asked her to do it. I took care of everything while she was away so that all she had to do was spend time with our child when she got home. But she used to push our baby aside, worrying about our relationship, when all I wanted to do was get some work done. And in the midst of all this I still managed to put out a whole CD by my self with mediocre equipment. I worked hard on it, while she will tell you I gave up, it wasn't before I put in every effort.

I think she walks around in this perpetual state of panic, as if everything is slipping through her hands right now, and if she doesn't do something she will loose it all. The truth is, she had a great career in the makings, she has people that love and care for her, including my dubmb ass, she has life and all the happiness in the world, if she would just fucking relax. Relax lady.

I was thinking about my kids. Amara, my lovely little girl. She turned five recently and she is as tall and as strong and as smart and brave as any 7 year old boy. She is the light of my life. The joy in my every day and I miss her when she is not here. I hope, and this can change even though I mentioned it last summer, that she will get to spend the summer with us next year. I want to have more than a week, or a few days, to live with my baby again, do the things we used to do together she and I. I was thinking about my son, Dante. He was 8 months old the last time I saw my son. I hope he is well, and happy and strong and bright. I can only hope, he was living in the house that moron built last I heard. Do I regret cursing his mother? Hell, no. She is the cunt bitch that took him away from me, I DO, hope she dies in some fucked up, "you can stop, drop, and roll, bitch roll; but you can't put the fire out," kinda way. Dante will be 3 on October 14, and I will miss it again. I miss him every day. My only son, and I may never know him. Me, who wants a son.
I was thinking about the work I do. Just because I don't have a "job" people seem to think that I don't work. I know for a fact that in a day I do more work than any two of those "get off at five" mutha fuckas. I do know that my work is becoming more focused. I am not just writing at random anymore, I am not just writing about religion and philosophy, I am developing a new sence of the world and how to live in it. I may not be popular, or liked, or in your face every day, but I didn't end up with a public voice because all I do is play games all day. I'm working and I forsee a future where the Kimble Viewoint is a respected voice. I haven't stopped making music, taking pictures or developing my art. I won't stop writing or expressing my views. People are listening.
I was thinking about my life today. It's a happy life, one with little strife and turmoil. That shit comes from outside. I used to be an angry man, and some of you still piss me off, but I have never been selfish, or stupid. I have a woman now that belives in me and won't push me into being someone I'm not. I may not be your average guy, with an average life, but I am a happy loved man. Who wants to be average anyway? I love my life today and I wouldn't change it for anything. Want to know that I think?
I think that if you are not living the life you want to live, then you should get out and get a new one. I think that if you are not happy you should change it, today not tomorrow. I think that if you have an opprotunity to do something for those you claim to love you should do it. Even if it's cleaning the kitchen so she won't have to. Or, giving him a day to play, without you in the way. Or, talking to your kids instead of yelling at them. Take interest in your life.