It is what it is isn't it? We are supposed to have it all figured out by now but I know people twice my age, twice as successful, twice as smart who don't know the first thing about what I know. We are supposed to have a handle on this thing. Our relationships are supposed to be deep and fulfilling and for the most part the relationships in my life are, until they fall in love with me and then that is the beginning of a long road to heart break. Life is simply one tick, one tick, one tick and we can only live it one moment at a time. There are things I've never intended but they exist because in that moment I dodged instead of ducking or I walked instead of running, or a stayed when I knew I should have left. I know that none of us live alone in this life, we live together. I know that my actions have far reaching effects and i accept that and I live my life accordingly.
Love ...
This is the tough one isn't it? Love. I remember a time in my life when i simply didn't believe in it. I had no reason to believe in it. There wasn't a single moment in my life that taught me that I should. Everybody wanted something from you, first and foremost for me to be what they thought I should be; or worse what they thought they should be able to make me. Some construct, a golem made in their image of perfect. But I am already a perfect construct made in my image. I know what I am and what I want to be. No one can love me like me. No one can stand where I stand. This is not to say that I haven't learned a thing or two about love. I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love anything. I loved and love my ex-wife. I loved "she who will not be named". Love brings pain, and disappointment.
Bullshit ...
You know what's bullshit? Let's bullet point shall we?
- Starting a relationship one way only to decide to dance to a different tune when it suits you
- Talking private business to your cronies
- Allowing said cronies to bash the one you claim to love
- Wasting my life that's bullshit
- Changing the rules mid-game without consulting the other players
- Never noticing
- Being so caught up in your own misery that you refuse to live or love
- Low balling or reneging
- Thinking I m going to be anything other than I am ... that is total bullshit
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