Homeland Security

Passing through

Homeland Security. We've heard the debate. We all know what’s going on. The airports are technically trying

to keep us all safe and there is a huge movement beginning that may effectively stop them from doing so. I know the argument. You are all so concerned with your privacy. Yes, I know how concerned something like 3 million of you actually are. I, my dear readers see your Facebook pages.  I see how important your privacy is to you and I can’t believe you have the audacity to stand up here telling us you don’t want some security guy at the airport looking at your nakedness. Some of you can’t even keep your clothes on through a whole

party. This fact has been heavily documented.

Look, my point is you are losing the privacy argument. These body scanners are meant, I believe, to help alleviate the other shit you travelers have been bitching about; the long lines, the need to remove your belt, and shoes, and glasses, and jacket and empty your pockets. Shove it all into those plastic tubs and pass through, thank you very much. With this new technology you get to walk on through. For a brief moment some stranger gets to see your privates in an eerie blue haze. Come on, you want people to see your naked glory just like I do. And let me tell you my naked is pretty damned glorious. Who cares? Better they see my substantial package than let Suzie terminal bomber bastard get through.

Ask yourself this question. Do I really want to be the victim of some airport attack, hostage situation, or plane bombing because of my fucking modesty? Ask yourself that on the way to hell because some of ya’ll ain’t Right, and you know it. I would rather strip down in front of all of you, every time than be blown up. So …

If we must go through it I, because you love me so well, am going to give you something to work with, you traveling types. A short list of things you can do to make your security check experience more entertaining. I have to say, none of these ideas have been tested anywhere ever, to my knowledge. If you choose to try these things you do so at your own risk. And since you are already risking everything you might as well film it and send them to me. If I get a few I will revisit this topic with videos attached. Now, wouldn’t that be fun? Of course it would.

Now here are:

D.K.’s Five Ways to Fuck with the Man and, Hopefully, Still get on the Plane:

Take the Pat Down and then, then they start touching you give them your best sex voice and say, “I love it when you touch me there.” Moan, and then say, “Oh, yes, like that, touch me there baby,” or something of the sort. The point is, give them hell. They have a job to do and you have a place to get. Throw a little fun and gun in there.

Conversely you can do exactly the opposite and get physically ill. Start gagging, and go on about your aversion to foreign human contact. Let them get on with it but again make them as uncomfortable as you can.

Why, It's a Big Black Dick officer.

Wear a strap on. You heard me. Get the biggest blackest one you can. This can apply to men and women, when you get dressed for the airport strap it on. Position the long dong down your left or, if you lean that way, right leg. When you go through the full body scanners, better yet choose the pat down option, and they ask the inevitable question, “What is that?” you can say honestly, “It’s a big ass black cock.”

On that same note, If you are so inclined you can stick a butt plug up your ass. I know, but think about this one. Here you pass up the pat down option in favor of the scanner. Have a butt plug in your ass. When they ask say, “It’s the only way I can comfortably fly. I’ve been wearing this on flights from this airport for years.”

For those of you less inclined. It’s an eerie blue haze after all, pretend to be a ghost. Get into the scanner and really ham it up. Turn circles; stick your bum out, boo at them. Get through the scanner and fuck with their heads.

We live in a democracy and we have the right to protest. We have the right to say no to any action posed against us. We also have to accept the responsibilities that come with that freedom. That responsibility may include things we consider drastic. Being pulled from the line at the airport because you have a huge black dick down your pants may seem a bit drastic. But I bet you, should they confiscate it, that your gift won’t go to waste. Show up early, take your sweet time and, should you be chosen for extra examination give them something to work with.

This has been The Kimble View Point

Peace