MindFUck

So, I am sitting here, working on my "web presence", watching MindFreak, thinking about the changes a few years bring. A few short years ago, I would have been sitting here, switching between the UFC and MindFreak, in some way wishing I was one of those guys. doing push-ups as I drank beer after beer, never getting anything done. feeling like a failure before I had a chance to even try.

Now, these few years later, I sit here, after one in the morning, watching MindFreak, foregoing the UFC, wondering what I saw in any of it. I know, of course, but I still consider it. I believe that I was searching for something to believe in and, not wanting to believe with the masses, and not fully understanding my chosen path, I wandered in the macho abyss. Swallowed by not being a man, and not knowing how to become one, I found myself in years of fear and failure.

Now, right now, on the brink of.... What? Nothing really, an opprotunity to make a fool of myself, a flash that can become my crowning glory, more easily than it can become an in road to success. My daughter sleeps soundly in the room next door, a child afloat in a sea of her parents failures. My girlfriend snores softly beside me. So tired, so exausted by all we must do. Madison turned 12 today, and in a way, I feel her brothers behavior overshadowed her day. My ex-wife sits right now, in a small house where her only child must sleep on a couch every night, instead of having her own room. There are two little boys, right down the hall from me that deserve the extra minutes of time our lack of sleep gives them.

All of these people need me. They all need me to become something, because they all believe in me. They all give me the room to work, because they beleive in me. What sort of failure would I be, if I didn't believe that every opprotunity, is a chance to make their lives better?

I used to believe in violence of action. I still do in many ways. I may sign my emails with "Peace and Zen', but I will act with violence. I truly only want to give something to those who have given so much to me.

I've always believed in magic; it's never been a question to me whether or not the impossible was possible. The only question was, "how do I make it so?" While I look at the television build-up, carefully cut audience reactions, and filler, fluff; I wonder how I ever believed that he was any different from any other street magician. No matter what trick he pulls, it's still all slight of hand, misdirection, smoke and mirors, the Art of Lesser Magic. I sit on the verge of possibilities, a small predator in an ocean of much bigger, more experienced fish. But I do have the power I learned in magic. I know the psychological benefits of believing in something, and I choose this.

I will rise, as I always have. From the Great Horned son of the Dragon, to the Dragon King himself. I have to accept what lies ahead of me with great humility. I have to face what lies ahead of me with great courage. I know what must be done.