What a fuckin bitch.

I never thought I would say it, but I am happy my divorce will be final soon. I am so happy I will be shed of this cancer in my life. Not really, we have a kid together, but as far as giving a fuck what she is going through?I am done. Just last weekend she calls me crying, blubbering to be more precise, about how Larry, her boyfriend she just moved my child in with, embarrassed and verbally abused her in public. They were breaking up, and how could she be so stupid, and cry, and whine. That was on Saturday. Monday she calls me all excited, ?You?ll never guess who I ran into on Myspace.?

?Oh, who?? I?m thinking Abby, or Juan, or Lisa; I know however the only reason she would approach me with it the way she did was if it was Brent.

?Brenton Wallace,? she says all excited. ?He wants to talk to you. Says he?s sorry for the way things happened. He says he wants to talk to you. Can I give him your number??

?Fuck that, no. I don?t want to deal with some fucker clearing his conscience all over my day.?

But I?m a sucker, let me back ya?ll up a bit and tell you how we got here.

When I first met Amanda she picked me up from the parking lot of the pool hall. We went back to my friend?s house, and after his girlfriend, and the guy I thought was her husband was passed out; she came up stairs and had a dick in each end of her until dawn. I was completely cool with that, I had a clue what type bitch I was fucking with. We proceeded to get into a relationship that was sexually free. Although she was allowed to have boy and girlfriends right up in my face, everyone I ever saw was not good enough; they were made out to be scheming bitches, or excluded from our household.

We met Brent at the gas station. He used to sell us our cigarettes. Over time we got to know him and not only did we invite him into our house, he invited us into his. We all used to sit around with his wife and kids, watching wrestling, smoking pot, going on crazy trips together. When he started having problems at home our hearts went out to him. We invited him into our home, and I invited him into my wife.

I remember the first time they fucked. (In hind sight I think it was the first time they fucked. They were probably sneaking around on me long before that.) He was kicked from his home, had no where else to go. We were all sitting on the couch, they started making out. Eventually I was like, ?hey ya?ll want to take that shit out of my lap?? From there he lived with us. He moved with us to Austin and for a long while I was the one who got up a 4am so I could ride the bus all the way across town o be late to work every day. I am sure they took advantage of my long days, and my kindness, and fucked most of the day. Neither one of them had a job before we moved out of there into our duplex, the duplex where he betrayed us both.

We were all living together in a duplex. We really could only afford it because we were all working. We had the best time. Our house is where the people hung out. Free flowing booze and sex and pot and fun. They even went off and spent Thanksgiving together because I had to work that weekend. I was well aware of where their feelings for one another were going. I didn?t mind, he was a friend of mine, a trusted comrade. I always believed, and still do, that a poly relationship is possible. This was my proof, things were great. Then around Christmas he betrayed us all.

One day he left to pay the rent and he never came back. Well, he did later with apologies and begging, but not the rent money he stole. Yep, he left, used our rent money to buy his kids Christmas and when that shit ran dry he wanted to come home. Well, by that point there was no home to come to, we were about to be evicted for lack of payment, and Amanda was pregnant. She was so upset that he left, but I think she was more upset that he left without her. When he came back, I could tell she wanted him to stay. I told her so; I told her that for my love of her I would get past this. Instead of doing what she wanted she did what she thought was best. Of course her decision to let him go was my fault. My fault for being her husband, my fault for getting her pregnant, (that was uncertain at the time too. How did I know if it was mine? I was there for some of the stuff she did with her pussy.), my fault for pushing her to make a decision like this. She let him go, even though I knew she didn?t want to, even though I told her I would accept her decision and work my shit out with him, she let him go. ?To save our marriage?. That?s what she told me. He told me yesterday he stole our money and left to save my marriage too. Neither of them realizes this was the incident that sent us on the long road to divorce.

He betrayed us, a betrayal I know I wouldn?t have been forgiven for, by either of them. And even though he did this evil against us, she loves him still. That was the ultimate betrayal.

But she was pregnant with my kid, a fact I was unsure of until I looked into that baby?s face, so I continued through this. She knows full well what a problem this was for me. The last time I had a nightmare was over this shit. I hated her, I hated him, I wanted them both to suffer. But he was gone and we were moving on. Our relationship was in tatters but neither of us realized how badly torn it was. Eventually we do a temporary separation, me again trying to get us back to the city and out of the fucking country. And you know all these years later, as we are supposed to be fighting for our relationship she asks me if I can help her find this man. I lost it, I went off. How could you ask me such a thing? That day was the day I knew I would never go back to her. Judas! Both of them.

So we are getting divorced on Wednesday. Last Saturday she was distraught over the loss of her relationship with Larry. Monday she is calling me saying Brent wants to talk to me, Thursday she is trying to play with my desire to see my kid, so she can go see Brent, on Saturday. Not a few days ago her world was over, when I offered to ease her burden and keep Amara for a while, she says that all she needed right now was her baby, fuck these guys. Today her slut potential is looking very bright indeed. I can see what?s coming. I am going to get to see a lot more of my kid, but I also have to look forward to the potential that she will wind up with a person I hate. I may have to pick my kid up from his house, as this fucking slut looks on smiling.

She says I always win, that I bully her until I get my way. All I am telling her is, if you are going to do all this dick hopping, stop dragging my baby into it. Let me keep her here, where it?s stable and there is no chain of dicks lined up for their turn. I hate the guy for what he did. I hate her for her refusal to see how fucked up he really is. I hate the fact that she is going to play my baby into this and every time I say ?I can?t? it?s going to be played up as she being the long suffering most responsible one. Every time I say ?let me keep her for a while, let me take that responsibility, I can do it now.? My response is ?YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY BABY AWAY FROM ME!?

It?s the same pattern we always had in every fucking argument. I would make a pretty eloquent and well stated case, she would barely respond with some short hand baloney, I would be angry that she didn?t even listen to my argument, she would say something stupid or insulting, I would then proceed to shove my fucking point down her throat. Better off for us all if she just died. But no luck there I?m sure. I?ve never been that lucky.

So, I decide to give forgiveness a chance and I contact Brent. He doesn?t seem to remember, or care much about what happened. I say fuck it what ever man, you fucking suck. Hours later this bitch is trying to use me so she can go suck his dick, and then gets mad at me because I balk at it. You know, come Wednesday she can go on ta whoreing it up big time. Hell she did that as soon as I left her ass. None of what she does with that cunt is my business anymore. But taking my baby up around someone we both know is dirty, shady and untrustworthy is just stupid and unforgiveable.

I told the bitch I would be here all day Saturday, bring my baby on by. But because I told her how I feel about her slutty ass, she is now making it out that I beat her down and I am keeping her away from her big black dick. I am sure she misses it after a year with the abusive Mexican. But i can see how this will turn out. And again, it ain?t gonna be good. But fuck her; she is going to have to find a new fucking shoulder to cry on when shit goes bad. Not me, not anymore. I am shut of it.

As the world turns

I decided, about a week ago that I was going to blog; A serious blog, once a week, something about my life; not necessarily topical, but about my life. Developing the “concept” has been a problem. So, I am throwing out, concept, and format, and I am writing the way I write, off the dome. Consider this my first foray into, serious, blogging.

With that said, I want to get the elephant in the room out of the way. Tomorrow, I am going to be interviewed, by KERA , about our economy. To be more precise I am going to be part of a KERA promotional piece, highlighting their economic page online. Most of the people I know are under the impression that I am going to be interviewed for a position with the company, and that’s okay. I almost want the actual footage to mostly be an internet find, rather than selfish, self promotion via my networking pages. I’ve mentioned it, but it’s not a huge deal to me. I believe that these people have our best interest at heart, or I would never agree to be exploited this way. I can honestly say that I go to NPR and the KERA website first for my news and information. Saying that won’t be difficult, because it is true. I don’t want them to ask me to be, channel 11, man on the street chipper about it. My biggest fear is wasting these peoples time or embarrassing someone.

These are television professionals coming into my house. I don’t want to be a waste of their time. I don’t really think I have a whole lot to offer. What do I know about the economy? All I know is what I’ve experienced, and seen. They are going to use me, the second sign that release form, no matter what I say they will be able to use it. If I am to avoid embarrassment, I have to be at my best. It’s a daunting prospect, like standing down a hurricane. I’m a bit afraid, but I am also supremely confident. I have aspirations. Maybe I will impress someone, maybe this will be my flash in the pan. Either way, I am ready.

Let’s move on,…shall we?

Kids play a huge part in my life. My girlfriend has three, I have two. Our hands can be pretty full sometimes. We run a pretty loose household. We don’t ask for much; keep your room clean, turn off your TV and lights when you leave a room, let us know where you are going, be careful, and don’t talk to strangers. It is all very simple stuff. And because of the freedom afforded you, you must abide by the rules or deal with the consequences. It seems to me harsh from a kid’s perspective, when everything is so big and scary. It seems to me the best way to teach a kid how to face the trials life has to offer. They must be strong, and they must understand the basics of this society. A strong handshake commands more respect than a weak one; An articulate individual, no mater how under educated, will command more respect than an illiterate dupe. A child that is well schooled on the potential hazards the world has to offer, is a child better suited to become a true member of our nation, rather than another drone. We have to take chances and allow our children to explore their world. If we instill positive habits in them early, we may worry, but we will have nothing to fear.

I find myself in a very awkward place in life. On one hand I have an opportunity to develop my art and become some thing before I die. On the other hand I really should, according to every old tradition, be breaking my back if necessary, taking care of my family, financially. I should be giving up every dream, for the socialist, 1950’s American Dream fantasy we all grew up with. We know it’s bullshit, yet we continue to feed the machine. I wanted nothing more than to never give another dime to Walmart; then I realized, after 60 days of expensive groceries, that I can’t afford to take a moral stance. Still, rather than work my fingers to the bone, in some rich guy’s sweat shop, for 60 hours a week, so I can just get buy, I would rather work towards something better, for the rest of my life, than wok my ass of to be broke anyway. Some may say I have taken a women’s role. I would tell those people a few things. One: I do this job better than most women out there today. I know a few who couldn’t cook minute rice. Two: I do this job and still manage to move my career forward, alone. Three; if the hoe wives out there kept their wives as happy as I keep my girlfriend, the divorce rate would go down. That would also happen if the marriage rate decreased; but I digress.

Point is, I am getting by. Bad economy or good, partner, alone, or with a gang, employed or un-, it’s all the same. My DOW is steady and my SNLP is not slippin’. It’s because I am working towards beter today, than I was yesterday. It’s all gotta add up to something, right?

MindFUck

So, I am sitting here, working on my "web presence", watching MindFreak, thinking about the changes a few years bring. A few short years ago, I would have been sitting here, switching between the UFC and MindFreak, in some way wishing I was one of those guys. doing push-ups as I drank beer after beer, never getting anything done. feeling like a failure before I had a chance to even try.

Now, these few years later, I sit here, after one in the morning, watching MindFreak, foregoing the UFC, wondering what I saw in any of it. I know, of course, but I still consider it. I believe that I was searching for something to believe in and, not wanting to believe with the masses, and not fully understanding my chosen path, I wandered in the macho abyss. Swallowed by not being a man, and not knowing how to become one, I found myself in years of fear and failure.

Now, right now, on the brink of.... What? Nothing really, an opprotunity to make a fool of myself, a flash that can become my crowning glory, more easily than it can become an in road to success. My daughter sleeps soundly in the room next door, a child afloat in a sea of her parents failures. My girlfriend snores softly beside me. So tired, so exausted by all we must do. Madison turned 12 today, and in a way, I feel her brothers behavior overshadowed her day. My ex-wife sits right now, in a small house where her only child must sleep on a couch every night, instead of having her own room. There are two little boys, right down the hall from me that deserve the extra minutes of time our lack of sleep gives them.

All of these people need me. They all need me to become something, because they all believe in me. They all give me the room to work, because they beleive in me. What sort of failure would I be, if I didn't believe that every opprotunity, is a chance to make their lives better?

I used to believe in violence of action. I still do in many ways. I may sign my emails with "Peace and Zen', but I will act with violence. I truly only want to give something to those who have given so much to me.

I've always believed in magic; it's never been a question to me whether or not the impossible was possible. The only question was, "how do I make it so?" While I look at the television build-up, carefully cut audience reactions, and filler, fluff; I wonder how I ever believed that he was any different from any other street magician. No matter what trick he pulls, it's still all slight of hand, misdirection, smoke and mirors, the Art of Lesser Magic. I sit on the verge of possibilities, a small predator in an ocean of much bigger, more experienced fish. But I do have the power I learned in magic. I know the psychological benefits of believing in something, and I choose this.

I will rise, as I always have. From the Great Horned son of the Dragon, to the Dragon King himself. I have to accept what lies ahead of me with great humility. I have to face what lies ahead of me with great courage. I know what must be done.

Steady as she goes

Steady as she goes

So the economy is a subject that is fresh on everyone’s mind right now. Every day we hear reports that our economy is in a recession that is alternately, slipping into a desperate depression, or reversing itself. The experts will tell us a thousand reasons why this is happening, and why it seems to change daily. They tell us that shopping helps stimulate the economy, but most of us don’t have the money to shop. We buy what we need, and on occasion catch a movie, or have a nice meal. Every day you can look around you at the world buzzing away as it always has and there truly seems to be no problems. I may not have the extra cash to spend a hot miserable day at Six Flags, but somebody does because those coasters keep –a – runnin’, don’t they?

I believe that the economy is having problems on a global scale because of the wars, and the cost of war. I believe that corporate greed and mismanagement contributes to economic loses. I believe that the way the economy affects you depends entirely on how you view your life. There are people out there making it every day on less than you have. As bad as it may seem, poor people live better here in America than poor people in other countries. We have options and opportunities right at our finger tips, and instead of utilizing them, we continue doing all the wrong things.

If the economy is going to change for the better, we are going to have to take our part in it more personally. Begin to make changes right in your home that will bring stability to the only economy that really matters, the one right in your own home.

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Testing.