And then I died.
Oh, what a wretched soul I became in that moment. They say that dark shadows come for you when you die, but I saw no shadow, and I saw no white light. I fell. I fell, and I cried out in utter terror as I plunged headlong into black abyss. I could see nothing, and my descent increased in speed until I felt I would be ripped apart by the sheer velocity of the winds. My cries were stripped from my lungs, and my eyes squeezed shut tight when I hit the first cliff edge. The shock of that blow was astounding. I struck that rock edge with such bone breaking force that I was rebounded and cart wheeled back out into the abyss. My eyes flew open from the shock, and as I twirled through the air, momentarily suspended, I saw others, no luckier than I, broken on those sharp ledges. Around me flew a great host of winged horrors feasting on, and fighting over, those poor souls. I saw this in only a second as I flew, then, again, I fell. Many times my body was smashed against the ledges. Once, a terrible beast, raked me from a ledge, tearing a great hole into my side. I wailed from the pain as I plummeted, again faster and faster, I could see others around me falling, some crashing into one another, the number was so great. I fell together, with them, through a great cavern. So vast was it?s depths you could not see any end. And the fear than leapt into my heart as I saw what awaited me below, was more than I can tell. Spread out below me, like great tapestries, were horrid tortures and brutal suffering. Some crashed to the stones below, only to be impaled upon a jagged weapon and deposited into a pit full of broken souls. Others fell directly into the pits and were crushed by the soul above them, or beaten back from the edges with whips and spears. I fell into the open maw of a Demon mouth and was swallowed whole. Crushing and suffocating blackness surrounded me. I was burned and broken, tangled with others limbs, I thrashed against the confines, no care for those suffering around me. The crowding in that putrid stomach was more than any but the damned could bear. The beast, finally full, vomited us into the pits, one atop the other, twisted into the shape of its throat, we splattered in a heap upon those who came before.
Above me, before I was buried, I saw a great fiend, fallen souls crashing into its back. As tall as a mountain, it labored ceaselessly, reaching down into the pits with its massive shovel like hands, churning the cauldron of souls. Those below were brought to the surface, and others were lost to the depths. This motion created a slow current that moved us about, but not for a moment did my torment stop. Carrion birds circled above me, squawking for a meal, they dove, tearing my flesh. Others around me, fighting off the flock, kicked and punched me, all struggling to remain on top of everyone else. Though the birds ate me, and the maggots chewed my flesh, I fought to remain on the surface of this sea of souls. My greatest fear was the thought of being turned, for ever, beneath that crush. As if, through my fear, I wished it into being, a succession of souls crashed into my back, pushing me down with its weight. All is black now. I can?t recall when I last drew a breath, or felt the weight of my own form. There is only the crush, and the dark.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
WTF?
A very old girlfriend and a Diamond in my heart
Or
WTF?
So, here we are at a point in my life where it seems that I have some sense of peace. Things are going well, all things considered and I am very happy. I have a loving girlfriend who gives me everything I need and want. I get to see my daughter on a regular basis and I have a pretty good relationship with her mother. Enemies are nonexistent, and I an rarely truly angry. Now don’t get too excited the story gets very fucked up. So, my friends… If you need to pee or if you have a weak stomach you should pee and make a cup of tea. Okay, are you ready? Good…here… we… go.
A few weeks ago a daughter I haven’t seen in eighteen years (yeah I know), pops up. Actually her mother popped up. Good news right? Finding a long lost child. Yeah, yes it is but don’t look forward to a happy reunion story like the ones you see on Oprah. No, this is definitely not one of those stories. This tale is grim and anger inducing. The first few days were alright as far as these things go I suppose, I am not an authority but I am quickly becoming experienced. I find that this almost adult child is in pre-med at UNLV. She is very smart and athletic, beautiful and the mother of an equally beautiful one year old daughter of her own.
Oh? What’s that? Yes I said daughter, “of her own”. I went to bed one night making the joke that I could wake up the next day a grandfather for all I knew and wonder of mutha fuckin wonders I wake up the next day a GRANDFATHER! Yeah, beware idle jokes people.
So, anyway, sometime over the next few days of constant crying from her mother who is, and has been, completely in love with me since I was 15, (I know right? WTF?) There is a plan for us to get together over spring break. She, the daughter is coming down anyway, it’s a perfect plan. Yep, until as unexpectedly as can be BAM! The kid has a car wreck while talking to me on the phone and eating some form of fucking disgusting fast food. This is the first time everything mysteriously goes dark for awhile. When the lights come back on the mother is on her way to Vegas, makes sense right?, so we keep in contact things seem to be progressing rather normally, I offer to come down as support, the kid wakes up and everything goes wonky.
Suddenly, and I say suddenly because that is how it seemed to me…BAM! Bitch it’s a new fucking day! Wake yo ass up! Suddenly the mother is cawing and blubbering about a heart condition that she’s had since her mother stabbed her in the chest for getting pregnant with a nigger baby. (I warned you this was fucked up). Apparently, she made me the beneficiary or custodian of EVERYTHING until my kid is like 25 or some shit. I’m thinking to myself, as I am certain you are, WTF? Right? Then you’re with me here. Okay my kiddo is getting better and then the next fucking day has some relapse thing and her fever won’t go down and she won’t sleep. And her mother goes down with a heart problem and has to go immediately into surgery. And… wait for it.
The lights go out again. Click just like that, silence. I don’t know what to think right. There is all this weeping and asking for help. But absolutely no listening to a fucking thing I am saying. I want to know what I need to do. Obviously if this custodian thing is real I will have some decisions to make and some questions to answer. But nope anything important goes unnoticed in the depths of what I am now realizing is a deep sea of self pity and excuses. And, fuck me, I am swimming in it during a storm and I didn’t bring a boat. Lucky for me, or lucky they couldn’t keep up the dramatics indefinitely, I am a strong swimmer and the raging emotional sea calmed a bit. Or that’s how I remember it happening.
The lull was brief but I thought very productive. It was the first time I really got to talk to my daughter without her selling me on her mother every five minutes. I find out that she is a gamer and a rapper like her father. She hates food obviously because she won’t eat anything that isn’t prepackaged and ready for consumption. Her favorite color, and music, and what’s going on with that boyfriend of hers.
Speaking of which, I forgot. When the kiddo first went into the hospital, her mother went to her place to pick up some things and finds the boyfriend fucking some other chick and proceeds to beat the shit out of them both and goes off to JAIL for two days. All together now…WTF!? Yeah, I know.
Where was I? Oh having a great time with my kid. She is getting better, leaving the hospital soon. Her mother hadn’t awoken from the surgery but, the lights are on and very bright. It was good. And then… mom get’s worse. Now Doctor Kimble proceeds to tell me she is going to find a way to save her moms life and; Blackout!
I was as tired of it as you are by this point and so some questions started needing answers. With some help I did some research, Love the WWW right? But I came up blank. Dead end. Then I learn that during all of this the mother’s myspace page is being updated every day and the daughters is bullshit. So I start asking questions. Like: “Why do we continue to ignore the important shit like, the hospital you say ya’ll are in doesn’t exist?” It’s a valid question right? Especially when everything is completely illogical. The only thing I actually believed at this point was that this is my kid. I know the mother and I know who I was fucking at 15. Everything else had a dark veil over it and then we got into a fight. My daughter and I I mean. And it was a good one. I am known to be verbally vicious when I want to be. But when I feel I must do it you deserve it believe me. So after the verbal whipping she vanishes completely. Absolute darkness.
Then, miraculous recovery her mother wakes up. What? Huh? The fuck is that shit. Heart surgery and you are sounding pretty hale and hearty. And getting out in a few days? Wow aren’t you a tough nut. Your daughter is back to work already. Yeah I know… So what’s up. Ah nothing. And there really was not much. Things were pretty cool but they crashed and continued to do so.
It seemed that every week there was a new hope and then a new reason for them to not show up. I was supposed to fly out to Vegas to meet her. That turned into her mom flying here and us driving back together, then that turned into my daughter driving here and us driving back together. None of it happened. First there was mom coming here to clear some things up and help my kid find an apartment. Then she went BACK TO JAIL here. It took my kiddo three days to get here and when she got here she never came by and neither of them would let me come over their house and always had a reason we couldn’t meet. Then I find out my daughter just moved on her own accord and would be here. Great, I thought, that’s wonderful. Still there was no meeting. They refused my invitations to dinner, they refused my invitations to hang out and recently she refused my invitation to her great-grandmothers 83rd birthday party. And some how along the way all of this is my fault. It has caused tension in my household which is happy, and full of love, light and laughter. Since this started there have been an escalating series of fights that almost destroyed my relationship.
I want nothing more than to get to know my child and grand-child and at every step I have been turned away and here, I believe is the reason why. These women in their minds had built up some idea of what this reunion would be like. Maybe they thought I would just run away into the sunset with them and we would have some family dream. Maybe they thought that instead of living my life I spent all of it wondering what could have been, living in some memory of a 6 month relationship I had when I was only 15 years old. When they didn’t get what they wanted out of me they decided instead to try to destroy it. They almost succeeded. My girlfriend and I had a huge fight last week and we split in a very ugly way. During that night and most of the next day I practically begged them to help me go to where she couldn’t find me. And again they went dark, left me hanging and blamed me for not being there waiting the next day. No I wasn’t there hanging. The woman I love showed up and there was only one way I was going to allow her to leave me at that house…if she wanted to. But they couldn’t destroy my life. They want to say that all of this was my fault. The truth is it was theirs. Diamond and Amy created this situation not me. I worried, and paced my floors, I cried and fought my loved ones on their behalf, I wondered and dreamed and lied to my mother about how well things were going. I allowed these people into my life and they made a fucking fool of me. I ate it I accepted it and I almost lost everything because I want nothing more than to be a good father to my children, if they want me to or not. And now I am just tired. I am tired of being played with, I am sick of being pushed and manipulated. Play games with your friends or those punk ass niggas you let put babies in you but do not fucking play games with me. I want to close this by giving you the one example of texts between us I still have.
Her: Hi there Crystal this is Diamond do you know where my father is please
Me: I am here baby girl whats up
Her: Hey how are you
Me: Much better. How are you love? Hey there is a little gathering for your great-grans birthday tomorrow. Want to join me?
Her: I am good so you and crystal made up and everything is back to normal
Me: Yeah. There were some things that needed to be said and we are moving forward.
Her: That’s good I thought I would let you know that we are all moving to new york
Me: So did ya’ll make that decision when your mom stood me up the other night?
Her: Mom did not mean that she was going to call you because we got hit (at the hospital where they both supposedly work.) right when she tried to leave and she was going to come that morning but she called and you were gone back to her
Me: Naw. I didn’t leave my grandmas till after one o’clok. But it’s cool I see where I stand and I get it. Just stay in touch know your father loves you and always had. When you are ready I will be here.
Her: I think that with all that has gone on I do not think so I can not deal with it and I can not be around someone who does not like my mom or anything like that okay so this is it. (for the fifteenth time.)
Me: What? This has nothing to do with your mom. She left me hanging and that’s fucked up but it has nothing to do with me liking her. I don’t even know her. But let that be your excuse. (today, she always had one or another reason to quit talking to me.) Take responsibility or run from me but don’t blame the lack of a relationship between your mom and I for your choices.
Her: I have talked to mom and she told me everything okay I am the one who told her to leave you there cause all you were going to do is go back to her (meaning Crystal,) and all the shit that she talked I knew that is all it was so do not go there with me ok so now you can keep on doing you cause mom had nothing to ever lie to you about ok I am the one who does her my space page ok so you all can think whatever about us on I knew this was a mistake from the beginning ok
Me: That hurts me. But it’s your choice, your blame not mine. Not once did you take any opportunity to get to know me. I don’t fit your mold so you choose to keep me out. And the truth is I needed you and you bailed on me. Crystal really loves me and cam through when you never did. The only mistake is that you never had the balls to face me and see my life, my world. You never cared enough, kept me out at every turn. Do what you want. You are going to anyway. Again I am here and forever will be. When you grow up maybe you will understand. Or you will act like your grand-father and toss me aside. I am used to being the scape-goat I carry that burden well. Say what you want about me. Think what you want about the father you never knew and then made the choice to not know. What ever makes you feel superior.
Her: Well I am glad that you are happy cause I know I am okay I was better for not knowing you. (She still has no fucking concept of who I am. She doesn’t get that though.)
Me:I can’t do anything about how you feel. I am simply not a dog to be led around. Playing with my emotions. Here, then not. Putting me off. Like I said, what ever helps you sleep at night. You are an adult, quit blaming me. You chose this. You are choosing to end it. For all your smarts you are a serious disappointment as a person. A Kimble is strong and faced adversity with power and grace. Keep that in mind as you journey into your future. Honor, Dignity, and truth. Not cowardice and fear.
Her: Whatever davin goodbye have a nice life bye.
Me: I wish you only peace and happiness on your journey my child. Hate me if you must but know that I love you instead. There is nothing else I can do you won’t let me.
Her: because you are full of it okay you tell my mom that none of ya’ll believe her and shit. (because there were so many inconsistencies.)
Me: That’s not what I said. Look, here is the deal. Come through for once. Do it now, right now. Get to know me, learn my life, love me or don’t. But quit playing with my emotions. I want you if you don’t feel the same then stop threatening me and be done. The only reason there is so much doubt is because every time I put forth an effort, every time I open my heart and house there is a new reason for you to say no, not now, later. You are full of it. I am ready and willing and I have been from day one. Now I am just tired of playing this same game. You guys have my address but you never opened yourselves to me. (I don’t know anything about these people, nothing.) To me there is no reason for all this drama. I am your father. If you really cared about that you would have been here in my face weeks ago I am not going to continue playing these games with you. Be real for once and face me tell me what you want. But it’s your ball game you are making the rules and changing them as you please. I am just along for the ride because I mean what I say. That’s real. Dance or clear the floor for the real b boyz. Rap or pass the fucking mic.
Her: I am sorry but I do not want anything to do with you or her but I would like to know the rest of the family just not you or her.
Me: Fuck that. One thing you fail to realize about family young one, it’s all or nothing. You can’t pick and choose. They haven’t called you because you haven’t met me. You think this is a game? This is loyalty at its best. Get in where you fit in or get the fuck out. I have been very generous with you my family is harsh and exacting.
Her: Fine then I do not want any of you, so bye I will never contact you again.
Me: Too bad. You are missing out on a very tight family that would embrace you without question if only you would quit treating me like shit. Your loss. They are dear to me, more than myself, and I to them. And as much as you would like to subvert that it won’t happen. But I am going to give you your chance to try. Let’s start with your grandmother. Her name is Q**** Marie and she is my mother and the first woman I ever loved. (here I give her my moms number. What? No you can’t have it.)
Her: 04-12-2009- Happy Easter. (Wow what’s that? I guess this was her attempt to come to the party.)
Her: 04-14-2009- Not like you care or anything but I am leaving today for New York.
Me: not like you ever gave a fuck bit I would have liked to meet you.
Her: how do you know what I wanted huh you do not the only thing you want or are worried about is your stupid respect (respect is stupid? Well that explaines errry thang!) you want people to respect you and if they do not then you want nothing to do with them and that is messed up because I tried to come meet all of you on Sunday (the happy easter text I guess.) but no one would tell me anything I texted you to find out and there was nothing so please do not give me that shit okay she does not want you around me (Crystal I guess) my daughter or my mom well I hope she is happy cause none of you have to worry about that any more ok it was a mistake to find you okay (wow really?) and I am sorry to have caused you all of the shit that I did but how could you be with a woman like that (crystal again I guess. But it proves again she does not know me. Anyone that does knows Crystal is my kind of woman.) huh love or no love that is not the woman for anyone (judgmental of people you don’t know, how charmingly xian of you.) just gross now I know why that other woman keeps you from my brother (Dante and his mom came long before Crystal and left long before too.)…
And on and on in judgment of others drawing conclusions about my life.
So this is how it ends, me screaming into the phone in the middle of the street so I don’t disturb the kids. I am on the phone, on both numbers and one brand new number I never had before with a bunch of mutha fuckas telling me they have no idea what I am talking about. I am mad as hell and feeling gangsta as fuck. I only ever tried to be the best father I could be and all I got was bullshit for a full month of my life. To the point that I was about to loose the most important things to me for the sake of a child I have never known. I was played and now I understand why these niggas go to Maury and Montell to find out the truth. When you stand up and decide you are going to be the truth all you get from the fraud ass mutha fuckas out there is bull shit and lies. All I ever wanted was to be a father to the child I never knew and all I got was drama and lies and bull and unfortunately everyone in my life was drawn into it. What I have, as my girl would say, is a whole lot of crow to eat. I have to back track on a lot of what I’ve done and said on behalf of a lie others told. I am the truth but it would seem that even that is not enough. It would seem that you also have to know that others are as well. I am saddened as well as angered by this situation. I feel that out of their fear of what I might do, what I would do, they decided that deniability was the best option. Now I know why I never got an address or one moment of face time. Now I know why I never saw these people or learned one thing about their lives. If there ever was a child she is just as guilty as the rest and she can die with the people she chose over me. She can DIE do you hear me she can burn and rot with the rest. Yes I am fucking pissed and I mean every word of it. Eat shit and die slow all of you. I am DONE!
Or
WTF?
So, here we are at a point in my life where it seems that I have some sense of peace. Things are going well, all things considered and I am very happy. I have a loving girlfriend who gives me everything I need and want. I get to see my daughter on a regular basis and I have a pretty good relationship with her mother. Enemies are nonexistent, and I an rarely truly angry. Now don’t get too excited the story gets very fucked up. So, my friends… If you need to pee or if you have a weak stomach you should pee and make a cup of tea. Okay, are you ready? Good…here… we… go.
A few weeks ago a daughter I haven’t seen in eighteen years (yeah I know), pops up. Actually her mother popped up. Good news right? Finding a long lost child. Yeah, yes it is but don’t look forward to a happy reunion story like the ones you see on Oprah. No, this is definitely not one of those stories. This tale is grim and anger inducing. The first few days were alright as far as these things go I suppose, I am not an authority but I am quickly becoming experienced. I find that this almost adult child is in pre-med at UNLV. She is very smart and athletic, beautiful and the mother of an equally beautiful one year old daughter of her own.
Oh? What’s that? Yes I said daughter, “of her own”. I went to bed one night making the joke that I could wake up the next day a grandfather for all I knew and wonder of mutha fuckin wonders I wake up the next day a GRANDFATHER! Yeah, beware idle jokes people.
So, anyway, sometime over the next few days of constant crying from her mother who is, and has been, completely in love with me since I was 15, (I know right? WTF?) There is a plan for us to get together over spring break. She, the daughter is coming down anyway, it’s a perfect plan. Yep, until as unexpectedly as can be BAM! The kid has a car wreck while talking to me on the phone and eating some form of fucking disgusting fast food. This is the first time everything mysteriously goes dark for awhile. When the lights come back on the mother is on her way to Vegas, makes sense right?, so we keep in contact things seem to be progressing rather normally, I offer to come down as support, the kid wakes up and everything goes wonky.
Suddenly, and I say suddenly because that is how it seemed to me…BAM! Bitch it’s a new fucking day! Wake yo ass up! Suddenly the mother is cawing and blubbering about a heart condition that she’s had since her mother stabbed her in the chest for getting pregnant with a nigger baby. (I warned you this was fucked up). Apparently, she made me the beneficiary or custodian of EVERYTHING until my kid is like 25 or some shit. I’m thinking to myself, as I am certain you are, WTF? Right? Then you’re with me here. Okay my kiddo is getting better and then the next fucking day has some relapse thing and her fever won’t go down and she won’t sleep. And her mother goes down with a heart problem and has to go immediately into surgery. And… wait for it.
The lights go out again. Click just like that, silence. I don’t know what to think right. There is all this weeping and asking for help. But absolutely no listening to a fucking thing I am saying. I want to know what I need to do. Obviously if this custodian thing is real I will have some decisions to make and some questions to answer. But nope anything important goes unnoticed in the depths of what I am now realizing is a deep sea of self pity and excuses. And, fuck me, I am swimming in it during a storm and I didn’t bring a boat. Lucky for me, or lucky they couldn’t keep up the dramatics indefinitely, I am a strong swimmer and the raging emotional sea calmed a bit. Or that’s how I remember it happening.
The lull was brief but I thought very productive. It was the first time I really got to talk to my daughter without her selling me on her mother every five minutes. I find out that she is a gamer and a rapper like her father. She hates food obviously because she won’t eat anything that isn’t prepackaged and ready for consumption. Her favorite color, and music, and what’s going on with that boyfriend of hers.
Speaking of which, I forgot. When the kiddo first went into the hospital, her mother went to her place to pick up some things and finds the boyfriend fucking some other chick and proceeds to beat the shit out of them both and goes off to JAIL for two days. All together now…WTF!? Yeah, I know.
Where was I? Oh having a great time with my kid. She is getting better, leaving the hospital soon. Her mother hadn’t awoken from the surgery but, the lights are on and very bright. It was good. And then… mom get’s worse. Now Doctor Kimble proceeds to tell me she is going to find a way to save her moms life and; Blackout!
I was as tired of it as you are by this point and so some questions started needing answers. With some help I did some research, Love the WWW right? But I came up blank. Dead end. Then I learn that during all of this the mother’s myspace page is being updated every day and the daughters is bullshit. So I start asking questions. Like: “Why do we continue to ignore the important shit like, the hospital you say ya’ll are in doesn’t exist?” It’s a valid question right? Especially when everything is completely illogical. The only thing I actually believed at this point was that this is my kid. I know the mother and I know who I was fucking at 15. Everything else had a dark veil over it and then we got into a fight. My daughter and I I mean. And it was a good one. I am known to be verbally vicious when I want to be. But when I feel I must do it you deserve it believe me. So after the verbal whipping she vanishes completely. Absolute darkness.
Then, miraculous recovery her mother wakes up. What? Huh? The fuck is that shit. Heart surgery and you are sounding pretty hale and hearty. And getting out in a few days? Wow aren’t you a tough nut. Your daughter is back to work already. Yeah I know… So what’s up. Ah nothing. And there really was not much. Things were pretty cool but they crashed and continued to do so.
It seemed that every week there was a new hope and then a new reason for them to not show up. I was supposed to fly out to Vegas to meet her. That turned into her mom flying here and us driving back together, then that turned into my daughter driving here and us driving back together. None of it happened. First there was mom coming here to clear some things up and help my kid find an apartment. Then she went BACK TO JAIL here. It took my kiddo three days to get here and when she got here she never came by and neither of them would let me come over their house and always had a reason we couldn’t meet. Then I find out my daughter just moved on her own accord and would be here. Great, I thought, that’s wonderful. Still there was no meeting. They refused my invitations to dinner, they refused my invitations to hang out and recently she refused my invitation to her great-grandmothers 83rd birthday party. And some how along the way all of this is my fault. It has caused tension in my household which is happy, and full of love, light and laughter. Since this started there have been an escalating series of fights that almost destroyed my relationship.
I want nothing more than to get to know my child and grand-child and at every step I have been turned away and here, I believe is the reason why. These women in their minds had built up some idea of what this reunion would be like. Maybe they thought I would just run away into the sunset with them and we would have some family dream. Maybe they thought that instead of living my life I spent all of it wondering what could have been, living in some memory of a 6 month relationship I had when I was only 15 years old. When they didn’t get what they wanted out of me they decided instead to try to destroy it. They almost succeeded. My girlfriend and I had a huge fight last week and we split in a very ugly way. During that night and most of the next day I practically begged them to help me go to where she couldn’t find me. And again they went dark, left me hanging and blamed me for not being there waiting the next day. No I wasn’t there hanging. The woman I love showed up and there was only one way I was going to allow her to leave me at that house…if she wanted to. But they couldn’t destroy my life. They want to say that all of this was my fault. The truth is it was theirs. Diamond and Amy created this situation not me. I worried, and paced my floors, I cried and fought my loved ones on their behalf, I wondered and dreamed and lied to my mother about how well things were going. I allowed these people into my life and they made a fucking fool of me. I ate it I accepted it and I almost lost everything because I want nothing more than to be a good father to my children, if they want me to or not. And now I am just tired. I am tired of being played with, I am sick of being pushed and manipulated. Play games with your friends or those punk ass niggas you let put babies in you but do not fucking play games with me. I want to close this by giving you the one example of texts between us I still have.
Her: Hi there Crystal this is Diamond do you know where my father is please
Me: I am here baby girl whats up
Her: Hey how are you
Me: Much better. How are you love? Hey there is a little gathering for your great-grans birthday tomorrow. Want to join me?
Her: I am good so you and crystal made up and everything is back to normal
Me: Yeah. There were some things that needed to be said and we are moving forward.
Her: That’s good I thought I would let you know that we are all moving to new york
Me: So did ya’ll make that decision when your mom stood me up the other night?
Her: Mom did not mean that she was going to call you because we got hit (at the hospital where they both supposedly work.) right when she tried to leave and she was going to come that morning but she called and you were gone back to her
Me: Naw. I didn’t leave my grandmas till after one o’clok. But it’s cool I see where I stand and I get it. Just stay in touch know your father loves you and always had. When you are ready I will be here.
Her: I think that with all that has gone on I do not think so I can not deal with it and I can not be around someone who does not like my mom or anything like that okay so this is it. (for the fifteenth time.)
Me: What? This has nothing to do with your mom. She left me hanging and that’s fucked up but it has nothing to do with me liking her. I don’t even know her. But let that be your excuse. (today, she always had one or another reason to quit talking to me.) Take responsibility or run from me but don’t blame the lack of a relationship between your mom and I for your choices.
Her: I have talked to mom and she told me everything okay I am the one who told her to leave you there cause all you were going to do is go back to her (meaning Crystal,) and all the shit that she talked I knew that is all it was so do not go there with me ok so now you can keep on doing you cause mom had nothing to ever lie to you about ok I am the one who does her my space page ok so you all can think whatever about us on I knew this was a mistake from the beginning ok
Me: That hurts me. But it’s your choice, your blame not mine. Not once did you take any opportunity to get to know me. I don’t fit your mold so you choose to keep me out. And the truth is I needed you and you bailed on me. Crystal really loves me and cam through when you never did. The only mistake is that you never had the balls to face me and see my life, my world. You never cared enough, kept me out at every turn. Do what you want. You are going to anyway. Again I am here and forever will be. When you grow up maybe you will understand. Or you will act like your grand-father and toss me aside. I am used to being the scape-goat I carry that burden well. Say what you want about me. Think what you want about the father you never knew and then made the choice to not know. What ever makes you feel superior.
Her: Well I am glad that you are happy cause I know I am okay I was better for not knowing you. (She still has no fucking concept of who I am. She doesn’t get that though.)
Me:I can’t do anything about how you feel. I am simply not a dog to be led around. Playing with my emotions. Here, then not. Putting me off. Like I said, what ever helps you sleep at night. You are an adult, quit blaming me. You chose this. You are choosing to end it. For all your smarts you are a serious disappointment as a person. A Kimble is strong and faced adversity with power and grace. Keep that in mind as you journey into your future. Honor, Dignity, and truth. Not cowardice and fear.
Her: Whatever davin goodbye have a nice life bye.
Me: I wish you only peace and happiness on your journey my child. Hate me if you must but know that I love you instead. There is nothing else I can do you won’t let me.
Her: because you are full of it okay you tell my mom that none of ya’ll believe her and shit. (because there were so many inconsistencies.)
Me: That’s not what I said. Look, here is the deal. Come through for once. Do it now, right now. Get to know me, learn my life, love me or don’t. But quit playing with my emotions. I want you if you don’t feel the same then stop threatening me and be done. The only reason there is so much doubt is because every time I put forth an effort, every time I open my heart and house there is a new reason for you to say no, not now, later. You are full of it. I am ready and willing and I have been from day one. Now I am just tired of playing this same game. You guys have my address but you never opened yourselves to me. (I don’t know anything about these people, nothing.) To me there is no reason for all this drama. I am your father. If you really cared about that you would have been here in my face weeks ago I am not going to continue playing these games with you. Be real for once and face me tell me what you want. But it’s your ball game you are making the rules and changing them as you please. I am just along for the ride because I mean what I say. That’s real. Dance or clear the floor for the real b boyz. Rap or pass the fucking mic.
Her: I am sorry but I do not want anything to do with you or her but I would like to know the rest of the family just not you or her.
Me: Fuck that. One thing you fail to realize about family young one, it’s all or nothing. You can’t pick and choose. They haven’t called you because you haven’t met me. You think this is a game? This is loyalty at its best. Get in where you fit in or get the fuck out. I have been very generous with you my family is harsh and exacting.
Her: Fine then I do not want any of you, so bye I will never contact you again.
Me: Too bad. You are missing out on a very tight family that would embrace you without question if only you would quit treating me like shit. Your loss. They are dear to me, more than myself, and I to them. And as much as you would like to subvert that it won’t happen. But I am going to give you your chance to try. Let’s start with your grandmother. Her name is Q**** Marie and she is my mother and the first woman I ever loved. (here I give her my moms number. What? No you can’t have it.)
Her: 04-12-2009- Happy Easter. (Wow what’s that? I guess this was her attempt to come to the party.)
Her: 04-14-2009- Not like you care or anything but I am leaving today for New York.
Me: not like you ever gave a fuck bit I would have liked to meet you.
Her: how do you know what I wanted huh you do not the only thing you want or are worried about is your stupid respect (respect is stupid? Well that explaines errry thang!) you want people to respect you and if they do not then you want nothing to do with them and that is messed up because I tried to come meet all of you on Sunday (the happy easter text I guess.) but no one would tell me anything I texted you to find out and there was nothing so please do not give me that shit okay she does not want you around me (Crystal I guess) my daughter or my mom well I hope she is happy cause none of you have to worry about that any more ok it was a mistake to find you okay (wow really?) and I am sorry to have caused you all of the shit that I did but how could you be with a woman like that (crystal again I guess. But it proves again she does not know me. Anyone that does knows Crystal is my kind of woman.) huh love or no love that is not the woman for anyone (judgmental of people you don’t know, how charmingly xian of you.) just gross now I know why that other woman keeps you from my brother (Dante and his mom came long before Crystal and left long before too.)…
And on and on in judgment of others drawing conclusions about my life.
So this is how it ends, me screaming into the phone in the middle of the street so I don’t disturb the kids. I am on the phone, on both numbers and one brand new number I never had before with a bunch of mutha fuckas telling me they have no idea what I am talking about. I am mad as hell and feeling gangsta as fuck. I only ever tried to be the best father I could be and all I got was bullshit for a full month of my life. To the point that I was about to loose the most important things to me for the sake of a child I have never known. I was played and now I understand why these niggas go to Maury and Montell to find out the truth. When you stand up and decide you are going to be the truth all you get from the fraud ass mutha fuckas out there is bull shit and lies. All I ever wanted was to be a father to the child I never knew and all I got was drama and lies and bull and unfortunately everyone in my life was drawn into it. What I have, as my girl would say, is a whole lot of crow to eat. I have to back track on a lot of what I’ve done and said on behalf of a lie others told. I am the truth but it would seem that even that is not enough. It would seem that you also have to know that others are as well. I am saddened as well as angered by this situation. I feel that out of their fear of what I might do, what I would do, they decided that deniability was the best option. Now I know why I never got an address or one moment of face time. Now I know why I never saw these people or learned one thing about their lives. If there ever was a child she is just as guilty as the rest and she can die with the people she chose over me. She can DIE do you hear me she can burn and rot with the rest. Yes I am fucking pissed and I mean every word of it. Eat shit and die slow all of you. I am DONE!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
We are at War
By Rev. Davin Kimble
Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you
need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself
but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a
defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb
in every battle.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Conflict and the ideal of conflict is man’s greatest driving force. The desire to engage in competition, and to defeat another on a field of battle, is one that cannot be denied. It is this driving force that has heralded all of the greatest advances in thought, idealism and society. Men will compete and from these competitions will raise new ideas and new beliefs.
It must be understood that conflict and competition does not always hearken back to the battlefield, and at the same time the basis for all competition is war. Men have their games and these games are as a whole played out on a field of battle. Whether it is the battle field of the mind or a grassy playing field, there in lays the essence of war. Competition has been reduced to an ideal of friendly sparing where every one goes home happy that a “good game” and been played and regardless of a win or loss all parties “did their best.” This droll approach to competition has led to a repressed aggression that manifests itself in so called rivalries, the desire to continue to defeat this opponent, to bring him and keep him, to heel.
War is the state of things and competition can be found in almost everything we do. When you leave your driveway you are thrust into direct competition with the other motorist on the road, even though there is no defined goal for victory, other than arriving at your destination alive, driving requires a degree of observation, reflex, and strategy found very few places outside of physical conflict. When one is in search of a mate, even (especially) if only for the evening, you place yourself on a battle field unequalled by anything man could create, there are any number of rivals and very few allies to assist you in your quest. You are in direct competition with every man, and not a few women, who are also there to find a mate or prevent someone from finding a mate. In the course of intellectual debate, there is a battle being waged that is equal to any other competition. One is attempting to hold their intellectual ground while simultaneously attempting to shake the others foundation.
War is a part of what humans are and competition is healthy to the development and advancement of our species. On a spiritual platform war is less, as direct competition, defined but none the less operational. Many would like to take the stance that as long as one does not attempt to overtly attack me there is no need for conflict. On the contrary, when one takes a stand on a particular belief system they are at once thrust into a war and may, at some time, be called upon to defend their position. Whether or not you choose to overtly attack another belief system, by written or spoken word, or choose instead to keep your peace unless attacked you are involved in a war.
It is commonly known that the various Xian faiths believe that there is a spiritual war being waged at this very moment all around us and I do not deny that fact in the least. If it is a war amongst “higher spirits” or the spiritual nature of man himself is a moot point, there is a battle being waged right now and we all must be aware of it.
Everyday in religious tracts, in the mass media, on the Internet, Satanism is being attacked by the religious right. Even in light of the numerous documents that point to a visible truth as to what Satanism is, the slander continues to multiply. People who are not Satanist are held up as examples of Satanism world wide. Symbols of destruction and histories ideals, which are little more than intellectual curiosities to the Satanist, are paraded as basic Satanic tenets and goals. Yet there is little if any attempt to meet these lies head on and crush the Xian bullishness with logical reasoning and intellectual debunking of the popular Christian mythos.
To secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the
Opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
These Christian attacks against Satanism are fertile ground for a counter offensive. Take for instance the satanic scare and the lies of ritual child abuse. These lies perpetuated by the religious right were intended to be out right attacks against the influx of Satanic thought in the main stream. It is well known that Satan is popular in many areas of our culture today from music and movies to advertisement and education. You will find movie stars and rock bands flashing the sign of the horns for the camera, many novels now take a more realistic stance when it comes to satanic ritual and satanic texts can be found on the shelves of many of the mainstream big business book stores. Satanism is no longer regulated to the back rooms of dusty little book stores or hidden in the depths of publishing obscurity. We owe a great deal of this to Anton LaVey for daring to speak boldly in the first place, the CoS for keeping his legacy alive and Avon books for daring to step out and put the truth of Satanism into the light.
Even in the face of this the Christians will still attack Satanism based on their own mythos and ideals of what Satanism is all about. It is time we understood that we have a duty to turn them back at every crossroad. We as Satanist must know the enemy we are dealing with and we need to have a clear understanding of how to defeat this enemy. One of the best ways to engage them is on the ground of intellectual argument as opposed to metaphysical or metaphorical idealism. They have had much success confusing the uneducated masses in the realm of spirituality; this battle field is not the best one to meet them in. They have no concept of spirituality as a personal pathway. For Christians spirituality is a black and white concept and with only two choices, heaven or hell. Facing them in this field of battle is foolish, even if you have a pastors knowledge of the texts they will stubbornly continue to berate you for not “believing what you know to be true.” You must instead turn them away with logic. Christianity by its very nature is not a very logical ideal and they have no real defense against science or pure logic. Demonstrate the incompetence of their leaders, and the solid reality of the satanic lifestyle and you cannot loose. They will continue to fall back on their Bible and the ideas it holds and will attempt to separate them selves from the “world”, the very world they live in and take full advantage of.
We all know that this idea of being separate and above the world in Christian thought is supposed to be a corner stone of their faith, yet every day we find that the Christian movement is involved in much of the politics and decision making in our country. Most of our politicians are staunch defenders of the Christian way. The Christian Coalition is a major lobbyist on Capitol Hill and much of what gets passed into law, or swept from the books is a direct result of the Xian agenda. The constitution of the United States is the only defense left against a totalitarian police state run much like some of the more strict Muslim countries. In the past the Xian’s ran the world by the laws of the pope and they would take this country and run it into another Dark Age if they were allowed to. So not only is this war in defense of Satanism and our right to be Satanist, it is also a war against the regulations of thought and expression the Christians would impose if they could. This is a war for the rights of people to choose their lives, and to live those lives as they see fit, watching, reading, hearing and living what they choose.
4. Hence the saying: One may know how to conquer without being able
to do it.
5. Security against defeat implies defensive tactics; ability to defeat
the enemy means taking the offensive.
6. Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient strength; attacking,
a superabundance of strength.
7. The general who is skilled in defense hides in the most secret
recesses of the earth; he who is skilled in attack flashes forth from
the topmost heights of heaven. Thus on the one hand we have ability
to protect ourselves; on the other, a victory that is complete.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Many Satanists do not know how to defend their positions. They claim to be great leaders and thought provoking speakers but really have no idea of what the deeper meanings of what they read are. They, unfortunately are not much different than the religions they decry. Following only the written texts of others and having little original thought. These people may have an idea about how to push the religious right back to a defensive position but do not know the way. The way is to take a strong stand and not only to know your stuff but to know theirs as well. In numbers we may be few but all they have is numbers, 80% of those who would call themselves Christians have no real clue as to what their religion proposes or what the final agenda of the Christian church is. These people by and large are easy to push back, but what of the nationally recognized leaders of the Christian movement? Again these individuals are easily defeated on the ground of logic. The Bible as a whole is too easily refuted yet they will fall back on this empty bastion every time if pushed hard enough, once you have them here it is an easy matter to make them look foolish. The nature of mankind is one of instability, thus the reason for religions such as Christianity in the first place. In the course of a debate the audience will sway back and forth form one argument to the next like a willow in the wind. In order to knock the tree down one direction or another would be to put your opponent on the defensive and keep him there.
For too long Satanism has been on the defensive hiding in the shadows, peeking out only when it is necessary to push back a threat. It is time we took the battle field full force and let these people know that we are aware that this is a war and we are not afraid to fight it. If the battles need to be fought in our homes, on radio and television talk shows, on street corners and events the battle needs to be fought. Where ever there is a group protests a movie or concert there should be a group there in opposition of them pressing forth the truth in the face of those lies.
While many will think I talk a good game but show no effort I am here to tell you that this is furthest from the truth. I have had debates in my home with Christians, I have stood out side of movie theatres during the Harry Potter protest making sure people got into the show safely and I have debated street corner preachers for hours on end. I have found that the great majority of our countrymen feel that these individuals and groups go too far in their relentless pressing against our freedom to think for ourselves. There are many who are tired of being accosted on the phones and on the streets, they are sick of hearing the ideals of religionist propounded by our politicians and they are tired of the interference of Christians in our schools. We too should be tired of it and we should stand and fight this war.
In defense of these religionist I have to say that their biblical law does charge them with going out and preaching the word of their god. It does tell them that a reward will be given to those who share the good news. And for the weak minded and easily fooled the hope of an afterlife of eternal bliss is enough to drive them to extremes in fulfillment of these charges. However, this charge handed down by their god gives them no right to interfere in the every day lives of Americans and it gives them no right to trash any other faiths in this country based on it. Fear is the way to defeat and you must understand that the majority of these people are full of fear. They worship a deity who thrives on invoking it and they turn to this empty hope because of it. However it is the Satanist, who in his haughty superiority does not speak out, that appears to be the frightened rabbit. We look to be afraid to come out into the light for the truth may be known. I have been told that there are no Satanist speaking too strongly against the Christians because the Christians are correct and if this is proven the satanic world would come under a massive attack. This may be so but take for example the recent case of Russel Smith. This man claimed to be a Satanist and was found to have satanic texts and an altar in his home. However, because Satanist took a stand and spoke out against his actions what could have potentially been a forest fire turned out to be nothing more than a flash in the pan. The media would not touch on the potential connections to Satanism and Texas Satanist because there were too many willing to stand against the lies. A major catastrophe was avoided because we fought. When next we hear of Mr. Smith it will be when he is paroled or dead.
8. To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common herd
is not the acme of excellence.
9. Neither is it the acme of excellence if you fight and conquer and
the whole Empire says, "Well done!"
10. To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the
sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder
is no sign of a quick ear.
11. What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only
wins, but excels in winning with ease.
12. Hence his victories bring him neither reputation for wisdom nor
credit for courage.
13. He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes
is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering
an enemy that is already defeated.
14. Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into a position which
makes defeat impossible, and does not miss the moment for defeating
the enemy.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Even so we have to understand that there is no great feat in this small victory. Until the war is won and Satanist can stand in the light of day proud and respected we will continue to face this war. Be sure the battles will continue even after that day and likely until the end of all things for there will always be an adversary against Satanism as a whole. The name itself as we know invokes fear and awe and that is our greatest weapon. But our greatest hindrance is the silence that surrounds our practices. It is true the truth is out there but how many of these sheep do you know that have the presence of mind to seek it out. They are easily led and the faith itself is designed for the simple. A Mormon who came to my house a few years ago admitted as much. He said that the simple will get the points that the educated will not. I told him yes they would for the masses are easy to move, when one finds himself in a position where the only one that needs to move is himself, then the game becomes complicated. We as Satanist pride ourselves on being able to move with ease through any and all situations and we need to realize that this skill play’s well in our favor. The individual Satanist needs not put on an evil face for we know that by virtue of the name itself the masses will see that. Conversely the Christian opponent will need to put on a holy face even if that face is a lie in order to stand his ground. This is a weapon they have handed us and it cannot be ignored. There is no dishonor in using the enemies’ tactics against them and even less in using their sword to kill them.
5. In all fighting, the direct method may be used for joining battle,
but indirect methods will be needed in order to secure victory.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
While it is true that facing these individuals down in any arena is an important part of success, it need also be known that taking the ideals to the masses in other ways is just as important. There are any numbers of ways to accomplish this and I will not go greatly in to details on them. Instead I will say that subterfuge and assassination has won many a war. The characters of out satanic leaders are often attacked both within and outside the main stream and I would find no fault with any one who dredged up some wickedness on the part of a religious activist. I also find no fault with rants against the religious right provided they are from a firm foundation and have some basis in truth. This is the main factor in our indirect warfare that differs from theirs. They lie because they can find no fact to back up their ideals. We on the other hand have access to everything they say from church published magazines to national debates. We have any number of way’s to find and attack their ideals without making up something that cannot be proven or backed up with fact. This is a decisive advantage because anyone that would shout us down would have to face the reality of black and white. Whether they try to cover their tracks or not is no longer our problem.
In conclusion, appear as a raging storm from the northern waste and in turn you will defeat your self as you defeat your enemy. Come as a green branch and be strong yet flexible to circumstance and victory is yours. Know that we are at war and it is a war we need to be prepared to fight at every turn. You never know when you may be called upon to stand your ground.
By Rev. Davin Kimble
Hence the saying: If you know the enemy and know yourself, you
need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself
but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a
defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb
in every battle.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Conflict and the ideal of conflict is man’s greatest driving force. The desire to engage in competition, and to defeat another on a field of battle, is one that cannot be denied. It is this driving force that has heralded all of the greatest advances in thought, idealism and society. Men will compete and from these competitions will raise new ideas and new beliefs.
It must be understood that conflict and competition does not always hearken back to the battlefield, and at the same time the basis for all competition is war. Men have their games and these games are as a whole played out on a field of battle. Whether it is the battle field of the mind or a grassy playing field, there in lays the essence of war. Competition has been reduced to an ideal of friendly sparing where every one goes home happy that a “good game” and been played and regardless of a win or loss all parties “did their best.” This droll approach to competition has led to a repressed aggression that manifests itself in so called rivalries, the desire to continue to defeat this opponent, to bring him and keep him, to heel.
War is the state of things and competition can be found in almost everything we do. When you leave your driveway you are thrust into direct competition with the other motorist on the road, even though there is no defined goal for victory, other than arriving at your destination alive, driving requires a degree of observation, reflex, and strategy found very few places outside of physical conflict. When one is in search of a mate, even (especially) if only for the evening, you place yourself on a battle field unequalled by anything man could create, there are any number of rivals and very few allies to assist you in your quest. You are in direct competition with every man, and not a few women, who are also there to find a mate or prevent someone from finding a mate. In the course of intellectual debate, there is a battle being waged that is equal to any other competition. One is attempting to hold their intellectual ground while simultaneously attempting to shake the others foundation.
War is a part of what humans are and competition is healthy to the development and advancement of our species. On a spiritual platform war is less, as direct competition, defined but none the less operational. Many would like to take the stance that as long as one does not attempt to overtly attack me there is no need for conflict. On the contrary, when one takes a stand on a particular belief system they are at once thrust into a war and may, at some time, be called upon to defend their position. Whether or not you choose to overtly attack another belief system, by written or spoken word, or choose instead to keep your peace unless attacked you are involved in a war.
It is commonly known that the various Xian faiths believe that there is a spiritual war being waged at this very moment all around us and I do not deny that fact in the least. If it is a war amongst “higher spirits” or the spiritual nature of man himself is a moot point, there is a battle being waged right now and we all must be aware of it.
Everyday in religious tracts, in the mass media, on the Internet, Satanism is being attacked by the religious right. Even in light of the numerous documents that point to a visible truth as to what Satanism is, the slander continues to multiply. People who are not Satanist are held up as examples of Satanism world wide. Symbols of destruction and histories ideals, which are little more than intellectual curiosities to the Satanist, are paraded as basic Satanic tenets and goals. Yet there is little if any attempt to meet these lies head on and crush the Xian bullishness with logical reasoning and intellectual debunking of the popular Christian mythos.
To secure ourselves against defeat lies in our own hands, but the
Opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
These Christian attacks against Satanism are fertile ground for a counter offensive. Take for instance the satanic scare and the lies of ritual child abuse. These lies perpetuated by the religious right were intended to be out right attacks against the influx of Satanic thought in the main stream. It is well known that Satan is popular in many areas of our culture today from music and movies to advertisement and education. You will find movie stars and rock bands flashing the sign of the horns for the camera, many novels now take a more realistic stance when it comes to satanic ritual and satanic texts can be found on the shelves of many of the mainstream big business book stores. Satanism is no longer regulated to the back rooms of dusty little book stores or hidden in the depths of publishing obscurity. We owe a great deal of this to Anton LaVey for daring to speak boldly in the first place, the CoS for keeping his legacy alive and Avon books for daring to step out and put the truth of Satanism into the light.
Even in the face of this the Christians will still attack Satanism based on their own mythos and ideals of what Satanism is all about. It is time we understood that we have a duty to turn them back at every crossroad. We as Satanist must know the enemy we are dealing with and we need to have a clear understanding of how to defeat this enemy. One of the best ways to engage them is on the ground of intellectual argument as opposed to metaphysical or metaphorical idealism. They have had much success confusing the uneducated masses in the realm of spirituality; this battle field is not the best one to meet them in. They have no concept of spirituality as a personal pathway. For Christians spirituality is a black and white concept and with only two choices, heaven or hell. Facing them in this field of battle is foolish, even if you have a pastors knowledge of the texts they will stubbornly continue to berate you for not “believing what you know to be true.” You must instead turn them away with logic. Christianity by its very nature is not a very logical ideal and they have no real defense against science or pure logic. Demonstrate the incompetence of their leaders, and the solid reality of the satanic lifestyle and you cannot loose. They will continue to fall back on their Bible and the ideas it holds and will attempt to separate them selves from the “world”, the very world they live in and take full advantage of.
We all know that this idea of being separate and above the world in Christian thought is supposed to be a corner stone of their faith, yet every day we find that the Christian movement is involved in much of the politics and decision making in our country. Most of our politicians are staunch defenders of the Christian way. The Christian Coalition is a major lobbyist on Capitol Hill and much of what gets passed into law, or swept from the books is a direct result of the Xian agenda. The constitution of the United States is the only defense left against a totalitarian police state run much like some of the more strict Muslim countries. In the past the Xian’s ran the world by the laws of the pope and they would take this country and run it into another Dark Age if they were allowed to. So not only is this war in defense of Satanism and our right to be Satanist, it is also a war against the regulations of thought and expression the Christians would impose if they could. This is a war for the rights of people to choose their lives, and to live those lives as they see fit, watching, reading, hearing and living what they choose.
4. Hence the saying: One may know how to conquer without being able
to do it.
5. Security against defeat implies defensive tactics; ability to defeat
the enemy means taking the offensive.
6. Standing on the defensive indicates insufficient strength; attacking,
a superabundance of strength.
7. The general who is skilled in defense hides in the most secret
recesses of the earth; he who is skilled in attack flashes forth from
the topmost heights of heaven. Thus on the one hand we have ability
to protect ourselves; on the other, a victory that is complete.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Many Satanists do not know how to defend their positions. They claim to be great leaders and thought provoking speakers but really have no idea of what the deeper meanings of what they read are. They, unfortunately are not much different than the religions they decry. Following only the written texts of others and having little original thought. These people may have an idea about how to push the religious right back to a defensive position but do not know the way. The way is to take a strong stand and not only to know your stuff but to know theirs as well. In numbers we may be few but all they have is numbers, 80% of those who would call themselves Christians have no real clue as to what their religion proposes or what the final agenda of the Christian church is. These people by and large are easy to push back, but what of the nationally recognized leaders of the Christian movement? Again these individuals are easily defeated on the ground of logic. The Bible as a whole is too easily refuted yet they will fall back on this empty bastion every time if pushed hard enough, once you have them here it is an easy matter to make them look foolish. The nature of mankind is one of instability, thus the reason for religions such as Christianity in the first place. In the course of a debate the audience will sway back and forth form one argument to the next like a willow in the wind. In order to knock the tree down one direction or another would be to put your opponent on the defensive and keep him there.
For too long Satanism has been on the defensive hiding in the shadows, peeking out only when it is necessary to push back a threat. It is time we took the battle field full force and let these people know that we are aware that this is a war and we are not afraid to fight it. If the battles need to be fought in our homes, on radio and television talk shows, on street corners and events the battle needs to be fought. Where ever there is a group protests a movie or concert there should be a group there in opposition of them pressing forth the truth in the face of those lies.
While many will think I talk a good game but show no effort I am here to tell you that this is furthest from the truth. I have had debates in my home with Christians, I have stood out side of movie theatres during the Harry Potter protest making sure people got into the show safely and I have debated street corner preachers for hours on end. I have found that the great majority of our countrymen feel that these individuals and groups go too far in their relentless pressing against our freedom to think for ourselves. There are many who are tired of being accosted on the phones and on the streets, they are sick of hearing the ideals of religionist propounded by our politicians and they are tired of the interference of Christians in our schools. We too should be tired of it and we should stand and fight this war.
In defense of these religionist I have to say that their biblical law does charge them with going out and preaching the word of their god. It does tell them that a reward will be given to those who share the good news. And for the weak minded and easily fooled the hope of an afterlife of eternal bliss is enough to drive them to extremes in fulfillment of these charges. However, this charge handed down by their god gives them no right to interfere in the every day lives of Americans and it gives them no right to trash any other faiths in this country based on it. Fear is the way to defeat and you must understand that the majority of these people are full of fear. They worship a deity who thrives on invoking it and they turn to this empty hope because of it. However it is the Satanist, who in his haughty superiority does not speak out, that appears to be the frightened rabbit. We look to be afraid to come out into the light for the truth may be known. I have been told that there are no Satanist speaking too strongly against the Christians because the Christians are correct and if this is proven the satanic world would come under a massive attack. This may be so but take for example the recent case of Russel Smith. This man claimed to be a Satanist and was found to have satanic texts and an altar in his home. However, because Satanist took a stand and spoke out against his actions what could have potentially been a forest fire turned out to be nothing more than a flash in the pan. The media would not touch on the potential connections to Satanism and Texas Satanist because there were too many willing to stand against the lies. A major catastrophe was avoided because we fought. When next we hear of Mr. Smith it will be when he is paroled or dead.
8. To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common herd
is not the acme of excellence.
9. Neither is it the acme of excellence if you fight and conquer and
the whole Empire says, "Well done!"
10. To lift an autumn hair is no sign of great strength; to see the
sun and moon is no sign of sharp sight; to hear the noise of thunder
is no sign of a quick ear.
11. What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only
wins, but excels in winning with ease.
12. Hence his victories bring him neither reputation for wisdom nor
credit for courage.
13. He wins his battles by making no mistakes. Making no mistakes
is what establishes the certainty of victory, for it means conquering
an enemy that is already defeated.
14. Hence the skillful fighter puts himself into a position which
makes defeat impossible, and does not miss the moment for defeating
the enemy.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
Even so we have to understand that there is no great feat in this small victory. Until the war is won and Satanist can stand in the light of day proud and respected we will continue to face this war. Be sure the battles will continue even after that day and likely until the end of all things for there will always be an adversary against Satanism as a whole. The name itself as we know invokes fear and awe and that is our greatest weapon. But our greatest hindrance is the silence that surrounds our practices. It is true the truth is out there but how many of these sheep do you know that have the presence of mind to seek it out. They are easily led and the faith itself is designed for the simple. A Mormon who came to my house a few years ago admitted as much. He said that the simple will get the points that the educated will not. I told him yes they would for the masses are easy to move, when one finds himself in a position where the only one that needs to move is himself, then the game becomes complicated. We as Satanist pride ourselves on being able to move with ease through any and all situations and we need to realize that this skill play’s well in our favor. The individual Satanist needs not put on an evil face for we know that by virtue of the name itself the masses will see that. Conversely the Christian opponent will need to put on a holy face even if that face is a lie in order to stand his ground. This is a weapon they have handed us and it cannot be ignored. There is no dishonor in using the enemies’ tactics against them and even less in using their sword to kill them.
5. In all fighting, the direct method may be used for joining battle,
but indirect methods will be needed in order to secure victory.
Sun Tzu “The Art of War”
While it is true that facing these individuals down in any arena is an important part of success, it need also be known that taking the ideals to the masses in other ways is just as important. There are any numbers of ways to accomplish this and I will not go greatly in to details on them. Instead I will say that subterfuge and assassination has won many a war. The characters of out satanic leaders are often attacked both within and outside the main stream and I would find no fault with any one who dredged up some wickedness on the part of a religious activist. I also find no fault with rants against the religious right provided they are from a firm foundation and have some basis in truth. This is the main factor in our indirect warfare that differs from theirs. They lie because they can find no fact to back up their ideals. We on the other hand have access to everything they say from church published magazines to national debates. We have any number of way’s to find and attack their ideals without making up something that cannot be proven or backed up with fact. This is a decisive advantage because anyone that would shout us down would have to face the reality of black and white. Whether they try to cover their tracks or not is no longer our problem.
In conclusion, appear as a raging storm from the northern waste and in turn you will defeat your self as you defeat your enemy. Come as a green branch and be strong yet flexible to circumstance and victory is yours. Know that we are at war and it is a war we need to be prepared to fight at every turn. You never know when you may be called upon to stand your ground.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Hoochie Culture
Hoochie Culture
The problem with Americas Teen Population
We have a serious issue in or country and I don’t believe anyone is actually tackling the problem head on. That problem is the “Hoochie” as an ideal image for teens and pre-teens. As an adult male I have no problem with grown women giving us an enticing look at the goodies. We are sexual beings and we “peacock” as a way to draw attention to ourselves. Men shave and groom just as fastidiously as any woman, we choose our clothes and accessories carefully in order to be seen, and admired for how we look. Appearance is everything, especially when you are single and “looking”. And it’s great when you are an adult.
The problem I see is when our young women take up this mantle and parade themselves about playing grown up. Make-up at 9 or ten years old, short skirts and low-cut shirts, mid-drifts exposed, showing off their little pot bellies, but no mental capacity to bear the load of adult actions. Every day in our pop culture, media and magazines our young women are filled full of these ideas that it’s not only okay to expose yourself, or make your face all up, but that it’s expected if you are going be popular or have a boyfriend. The people they choose as role models are doing it, the adults around them are doing it and the only people offering them any alternatives are religious extremists. Even at much younger ages our young women are exposed to this idea of “sexual exposure”. Take the Brat’z Dolls as an example. They are marketed to very young girls and are dressed with “attitude”. The attitude is a rebellious half nudity and a vapid almost blank approach to life. Top it off with the fantasy of stardom and our girls are already set up for a future in hoochie wear. The clothing manufactures take their hint and they scale down adult clothes to fit the smaller developing bodies. The media take their hint and every model they use in their programming and advertising is dressed in this style. Social predators take the hint, and we see them every few months on To Catch a Predator. But what about the real scum out there that drive through or school zones, walk our malls and arcades, dance in our clubs? How do we protect our children from them if we allow our children to present them selves as adults?
Tyra Banks did a show the other day on the problem of teen pregnancy. On her panel she had young girls from 12 to 17; some of them were wanted to get pregnant, others already had children, and some were currently pregnant a few on their second or third pregnancy; one young lady had already had two abortions and given up her third for adoption. Tyra tackled the problem and really brought out the truth and I commend her for that. The sad thing for me was the fact that all of these young girls thought this behavior appropriate, they had no issue with how they were treating their bodies at such a young age and every one of them was tight jeans and low cut tops. Each of them had some story about having sex because it was the thing to do if you wanted to fit in, or wanted a boyfriend. Or a story about a boy claiming undying love, or getting pregnant because you wanted to keep a boy around. Tyra asked one girl; “if it’s not about the boy then why not just pick some random teen boy from the audience and have a kid with him?” The girl balked at this idea, as she should, but I don’t think she got the point that it doesn’t matter the boy, they are just boys and as ill equipped as the girls are to handle these issues. Yet our society seems to perpetrate the idea that even very young the girls should look to the boys for support and caring, love and passion when these boys don’t have the mental capacity to offer any of those things. I can tell you as a man I was well into my twenties before I had any real concept of any of those things.
What images are our young boys bombarded with? The same ones the girls are when it comes to women, but out side of that they are forced into a superficial fantasy world of super heroes and robot cars, dreams of sports greatness and getting the girl. And this can continue well into adult-hood without some sort of intervention. There are no real lessons for our boys on how to view women, treat women, or interact socially with women. It’s either “treat them like trash,” or “treat them like treasure.” The first just breeds misogyny the second breeds a sense of entitlement in women that few actually deserve. All these boys see after school is violence and half naked women on evening television. They go to school the next morning and they see the girls in the hallways decked out like Sara Jessica-Parker or Paris “ultimate hoe” Hilton and they approach these girls with an attitude the girls accept as normal. Before long, and without intervention from someone, they will be having sex behind the bleachers. The boy may feel pressured, the girl my fell like she has to and neither know what the consequences actually are. They may whisper to each other of love and being together forever, but forever is a concept most adults shun if the divorce rate speaks to it at all. These kids may experiment and forego the condom because they are expected to know how to use on but neither really does. They may pull out because the boy say she won’t get pregnant if he cum’s on her belly. But neither of them, in that heated moment thinks they should pass on the sex all together. How do children 12 and thirteen end up alone enough to do these things? Have we lost curfews and open bedroom doors? Are our children now dictating their time and our households? Do we really think its okay for these young kids to be left alone to do as they please when we as adults set rules but offer no guidance or explanation for those rules? We expect our children to behave but we don’t think they deserve any reasoning. Do we think they won’t understand? Then we should see to it that they do. Isn’t that our job as parents?
We are living in a culture where our politicians can say to us on one hand that there should be a freedom to choose for the woman, for it is her body, and on the other hand that abortion should be regulated to back alley quacks and hangers in dark bathrooms, because if we do away with legalized abortions that is where we will find many of these young girls. We live in a culture where we hold the men that impregnate women and bail on their families responsible, so too should we hold these young boys responsible. The girls are viewed as the problem; because of course it is as simple as keeping your legs closed right? How many of you waited until you were 21 or married to start having sex? How many of you felt the same pressures that these children are feeling today? I know that in the 80’s things were a little different but no less sexually exciting. There was no real education then either, but we at least had sex-ed class, joke that it was. These teen boys should be held just as accountable as the girls are. If we are going to bring the girls to task fort opening their legs, then the boys should be brought up for sticking their dick in with no protection. Just because there is a cooch hanging out there, we all know that it’s not always prudent to put your dick in it. Let’s teach our boys that and make them answer for doing it. Things are never simple when you are that young. These are children, ignorant, dumb teens and they need guidance. It is up to us as the adults in this society to provide that guidance. And not by just saying, “I’m paying for it you will wear what I tell you,” but by giving our children perspective and guiding their actions. We should gradually allow certain things as they become age appropriate and make sure our children know why we ask of them the things we do. And we must set an example for our children. Let’s be well dressed even if it is just jeans and a tee shirt. Let’s show our children that being neat and covering your underwear is not only fashionable, but socially acceptable for anyone who wants any respect.
Facts are, your appearance speaks volumes about your person. If you allow your child to present them selves in a negative light they will be treated in that same light. It’s a harsh fact of our society. If your 10 or 12 year old girl goes out looking like a hoochie, there should be no big surprise when she comes home pregnant. If we send them out without any perspective, without any knowledge of what they may face then they will be victimized by their peers and by society at large; If we send them out with no perspective, only a ‘daddy said so” then they will pull a quick change because they will want to fit in with the other girls at school. It is a fact of life. 90 percent of people are followers and will do what the crowd is doing, whether it’s wearing your clothes backwards or showing off your g-string. The first thing we must do is educate ourselves so that we might educate our families, especially our girls.
We have created this culture where we expect our children to behave as adults but we are offering them very little equipment to do so. We allow the television to dictate fashion, and behavior and we offer little in guidance. It’s only okay or little girls to be in too small swim wear because we allow it. What are we teaching our kids? That it is fine if you show a little too much thigh. We are saying that it’s okay to kiss in the closet, or let the touches happen because we are saying nothing at all. I know a large part of the female argument is that they are doing it for their own empowerment and not for any man, but at the root that is bullshit. The facts are we use our appearance the same way the birds use their plumage, to attract and keep mates. No where else in nature do the children develop the bright colors, flowing manes, and scent glands necessary for reproduction until they are physically ready to accept a mate. We as humans have to take it a step further and focus on mental readiness. No 13 year old is mentally capable of taking care of another life. Few are mentally capable of caring for themselves. None of them truly comprehend the consequences of their actions, the sheer will it takes to deal with a child every day of your life. The changes can begin right now, it is up to you as parents, guardians and adults to educate our growing women and men on not only sexual safety but on all of the cues and clues that speak to sexual readiness. I am under no illusions that changing our children’s wardrobe will change the results but I am positive it is one of many steps that will help to lower the teen pregnancy rates, or at the very least prevent your, and my, child from becoming a teen parent. We must act and we must do it right now.
The problem with Americas Teen Population
We have a serious issue in or country and I don’t believe anyone is actually tackling the problem head on. That problem is the “Hoochie” as an ideal image for teens and pre-teens. As an adult male I have no problem with grown women giving us an enticing look at the goodies. We are sexual beings and we “peacock” as a way to draw attention to ourselves. Men shave and groom just as fastidiously as any woman, we choose our clothes and accessories carefully in order to be seen, and admired for how we look. Appearance is everything, especially when you are single and “looking”. And it’s great when you are an adult.
The problem I see is when our young women take up this mantle and parade themselves about playing grown up. Make-up at 9 or ten years old, short skirts and low-cut shirts, mid-drifts exposed, showing off their little pot bellies, but no mental capacity to bear the load of adult actions. Every day in our pop culture, media and magazines our young women are filled full of these ideas that it’s not only okay to expose yourself, or make your face all up, but that it’s expected if you are going be popular or have a boyfriend. The people they choose as role models are doing it, the adults around them are doing it and the only people offering them any alternatives are religious extremists. Even at much younger ages our young women are exposed to this idea of “sexual exposure”. Take the Brat’z Dolls as an example. They are marketed to very young girls and are dressed with “attitude”. The attitude is a rebellious half nudity and a vapid almost blank approach to life. Top it off with the fantasy of stardom and our girls are already set up for a future in hoochie wear. The clothing manufactures take their hint and they scale down adult clothes to fit the smaller developing bodies. The media take their hint and every model they use in their programming and advertising is dressed in this style. Social predators take the hint, and we see them every few months on To Catch a Predator. But what about the real scum out there that drive through or school zones, walk our malls and arcades, dance in our clubs? How do we protect our children from them if we allow our children to present them selves as adults?
Tyra Banks did a show the other day on the problem of teen pregnancy. On her panel she had young girls from 12 to 17; some of them were wanted to get pregnant, others already had children, and some were currently pregnant a few on their second or third pregnancy; one young lady had already had two abortions and given up her third for adoption. Tyra tackled the problem and really brought out the truth and I commend her for that. The sad thing for me was the fact that all of these young girls thought this behavior appropriate, they had no issue with how they were treating their bodies at such a young age and every one of them was tight jeans and low cut tops. Each of them had some story about having sex because it was the thing to do if you wanted to fit in, or wanted a boyfriend. Or a story about a boy claiming undying love, or getting pregnant because you wanted to keep a boy around. Tyra asked one girl; “if it’s not about the boy then why not just pick some random teen boy from the audience and have a kid with him?” The girl balked at this idea, as she should, but I don’t think she got the point that it doesn’t matter the boy, they are just boys and as ill equipped as the girls are to handle these issues. Yet our society seems to perpetrate the idea that even very young the girls should look to the boys for support and caring, love and passion when these boys don’t have the mental capacity to offer any of those things. I can tell you as a man I was well into my twenties before I had any real concept of any of those things.
What images are our young boys bombarded with? The same ones the girls are when it comes to women, but out side of that they are forced into a superficial fantasy world of super heroes and robot cars, dreams of sports greatness and getting the girl. And this can continue well into adult-hood without some sort of intervention. There are no real lessons for our boys on how to view women, treat women, or interact socially with women. It’s either “treat them like trash,” or “treat them like treasure.” The first just breeds misogyny the second breeds a sense of entitlement in women that few actually deserve. All these boys see after school is violence and half naked women on evening television. They go to school the next morning and they see the girls in the hallways decked out like Sara Jessica-Parker or Paris “ultimate hoe” Hilton and they approach these girls with an attitude the girls accept as normal. Before long, and without intervention from someone, they will be having sex behind the bleachers. The boy may feel pressured, the girl my fell like she has to and neither know what the consequences actually are. They may whisper to each other of love and being together forever, but forever is a concept most adults shun if the divorce rate speaks to it at all. These kids may experiment and forego the condom because they are expected to know how to use on but neither really does. They may pull out because the boy say she won’t get pregnant if he cum’s on her belly. But neither of them, in that heated moment thinks they should pass on the sex all together. How do children 12 and thirteen end up alone enough to do these things? Have we lost curfews and open bedroom doors? Are our children now dictating their time and our households? Do we really think its okay for these young kids to be left alone to do as they please when we as adults set rules but offer no guidance or explanation for those rules? We expect our children to behave but we don’t think they deserve any reasoning. Do we think they won’t understand? Then we should see to it that they do. Isn’t that our job as parents?
We are living in a culture where our politicians can say to us on one hand that there should be a freedom to choose for the woman, for it is her body, and on the other hand that abortion should be regulated to back alley quacks and hangers in dark bathrooms, because if we do away with legalized abortions that is where we will find many of these young girls. We live in a culture where we hold the men that impregnate women and bail on their families responsible, so too should we hold these young boys responsible. The girls are viewed as the problem; because of course it is as simple as keeping your legs closed right? How many of you waited until you were 21 or married to start having sex? How many of you felt the same pressures that these children are feeling today? I know that in the 80’s things were a little different but no less sexually exciting. There was no real education then either, but we at least had sex-ed class, joke that it was. These teen boys should be held just as accountable as the girls are. If we are going to bring the girls to task fort opening their legs, then the boys should be brought up for sticking their dick in with no protection. Just because there is a cooch hanging out there, we all know that it’s not always prudent to put your dick in it. Let’s teach our boys that and make them answer for doing it. Things are never simple when you are that young. These are children, ignorant, dumb teens and they need guidance. It is up to us as the adults in this society to provide that guidance. And not by just saying, “I’m paying for it you will wear what I tell you,” but by giving our children perspective and guiding their actions. We should gradually allow certain things as they become age appropriate and make sure our children know why we ask of them the things we do. And we must set an example for our children. Let’s be well dressed even if it is just jeans and a tee shirt. Let’s show our children that being neat and covering your underwear is not only fashionable, but socially acceptable for anyone who wants any respect.
Facts are, your appearance speaks volumes about your person. If you allow your child to present them selves in a negative light they will be treated in that same light. It’s a harsh fact of our society. If your 10 or 12 year old girl goes out looking like a hoochie, there should be no big surprise when she comes home pregnant. If we send them out without any perspective, without any knowledge of what they may face then they will be victimized by their peers and by society at large; If we send them out with no perspective, only a ‘daddy said so” then they will pull a quick change because they will want to fit in with the other girls at school. It is a fact of life. 90 percent of people are followers and will do what the crowd is doing, whether it’s wearing your clothes backwards or showing off your g-string. The first thing we must do is educate ourselves so that we might educate our families, especially our girls.
We have created this culture where we expect our children to behave as adults but we are offering them very little equipment to do so. We allow the television to dictate fashion, and behavior and we offer little in guidance. It’s only okay or little girls to be in too small swim wear because we allow it. What are we teaching our kids? That it is fine if you show a little too much thigh. We are saying that it’s okay to kiss in the closet, or let the touches happen because we are saying nothing at all. I know a large part of the female argument is that they are doing it for their own empowerment and not for any man, but at the root that is bullshit. The facts are we use our appearance the same way the birds use their plumage, to attract and keep mates. No where else in nature do the children develop the bright colors, flowing manes, and scent glands necessary for reproduction until they are physically ready to accept a mate. We as humans have to take it a step further and focus on mental readiness. No 13 year old is mentally capable of taking care of another life. Few are mentally capable of caring for themselves. None of them truly comprehend the consequences of their actions, the sheer will it takes to deal with a child every day of your life. The changes can begin right now, it is up to you as parents, guardians and adults to educate our growing women and men on not only sexual safety but on all of the cues and clues that speak to sexual readiness. I am under no illusions that changing our children’s wardrobe will change the results but I am positive it is one of many steps that will help to lower the teen pregnancy rates, or at the very least prevent your, and my, child from becoming a teen parent. We must act and we must do it right now.
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