2 Weeks

"Time fly's and changes things man, but you should never forget that your friends haven't forgotten." -Screwface the Dragon King

That isn't a direct quote. It's a very well written sentence, in comparison to the hip-hop short hand that's necessary to make a point in 90 beats per minute.

The point here is that time, while it moves on and appears to be the cause of change, some of us haven't forgotten yesterday. Ten years from now I will remember the last two weeks of my life as vividly as if they happened over the last two weeks, which they did.

Two weeks ago I was in love. On the surface that hasn't changed, I am still in love, with a beautiful, good, brilliant, wonderful woman. That love isn't, however, the same as it was two weeks ago. Then I carried my love for her on my back. I had to, because I was also carrying guilt, fear, and desire along with the things in my life that had nothing to do with her.

I felt guilty because I didn't have work. I felt guilt every time I forgot to turn off a light or needed and extra load of laundry done that day. I found myself trying to minimize my impact on her personal ecomomy sometimes only using enough energy in a day to run this computer and keep the words coming. Which was another reason for guilt. While I worked fairly hard at finding work, I worked much harder at building my writing career. A bit selfish, and very stupid I allowed parts of my life to fall by the wayside as I finally focused on another part. i never felt good about any of this. i wanted to do for her, and with her but I wanted to do it my way. I didn't want our lives to be dictated to us by some bullshit job, which I feel is all I'm going to get if I don't make something happen with my writing. so around and around I went, writing, and feeling guilty I hadn't done more that day. I'd circle the house, my little routine in place, making sure when she walked through that door every day there was nothing for her to worry about, nothing for her to be angry about. There was plenty.

I found myself feeling guily every time I took a minute to myself. I felt like I shouldn't take an hour to play some games, or I shouldn't be out hanging with the boys on an empty wallet and someone elses gas. I felt like I should be there with her, and for her in support of her no matter what. If I was going to be a work from home, starving artist, it was the least I could do. She often spoke about needing some time alone, but I never knew how to accomplish that for her. I was afraid that one day she would wake up and just be sick of me. Which she did, and was, but not for the reasons I thought. I was afraid she would grow tired of my face, she instead grew tired of my dependency on her. And it wasn't for the stuff she was doing, she would've done those things for me anyway, it was my dependency on her for those things I never asked for. I always felt that if I couldn't pay my own cover, have my own 20 dollars for tips and my own little cash for beer, then I should stay home.  But if I was always home, then I was never gone, and the more I was home, the more I was afraid she was growing tired of me. Fear is a great motivator but it was a bit too late. I don't scare easily, I always hought we'd work it out, but the fear parzized me, made me afraid to bring the subject up, afraid to see what I saw, afraid to ask for help. I'm still afraid to ask for help, I may always be, but at least I learned that about myself in those two weeks.

I had the deepest desire for our relationship to succeede. I envisioned myself, an up and coming established writer, banging away atthe keyboard, bringing home the bacon doing what I love to do. That desire still exists, no doubt, and far from diminished, but it's different. My new found forward motion as a professional in the literary world, must at this point be accompanied by some sort of...regular income. I have the desire for our families to become one. I desire all the things we talked about on those warm nights, twined together in bed; I playing with her hair and kising her gently, she holding me tightly whispering words of encouragement and love. We both want the same things, professorship, a life in the literary world as teachers, writers, publishers; A house on the beach and a brownstone in Boston; another child, one we make and raise together. I desire all these things and more. I have always felt that I could accomplish anything with her by my side. I have moved far from where I was when I met her two years ago and further still in these last two weeks. Where I thought our desire had been crushed by fear and guilt I found in the end it's been made stronger by what's happened to us here. My desire didn't change, nor did my love, it just took me a time to see it.

You see, two weeks ago she threw me out and it was harsh and unforgiving in its suddenness, but forgiving and gentle in its generosity. I think that is what tempered my anger and allowed me to think clearly. I spent those two weeks on a cycle of drink and fitful sleep. I found reasons to dive, and dive deeply, into the abyss. I stared the demons there down and I challenged them, "come, you cowards and fools, stare back if you dare." they did of course and, as ever I do, I found my demons not that frihtening, rather familliar and comfortable. sitting with my thoughts is like sitting in a council chamber, all your advisors ranged around you, good and bad, all giving you advice they thing will benefit the corporation. Be done with it some counciled. You can move on, get into producing porn, you can become an escort, they love you the bitches do. You'd be rich in no time. How, can you say you really loved her if you don't see this through others screamed at me. I never ignored them, any of those raging voices in my head. For two weeks we took council, held court and had some of my voices executed in the square, but I found that I do love her. I really love her. She is a fantastic woman and I believe that together we can accomplish what we dreamed of, not so long ago in that tiny blue room we shared, drunk off vodka only just then discussing dreads and whats next.I loved her then and I love her now.

Two weeks ago I thought our relationship was over, and i was ready to rage out into the world, never again to be caught up in the wiles of any woman.  Today, it may be complicated but it's intact and growing stronger by the hour. We are together, but apart and for now that is the way it has to be. We are people who challenge conventional relationships and so embracing a lifestyle different from the great herd is necessary for us to continue. I've accepted that things are going to progress as they progress and I have to move forward, we both do. I know that for the first time in a long time I feel comfortable writing all day, and often into the stupid hours of the night. I don't feel like I am disturbing, or neglecting anyone in doing it. I am sure she feels more comfortable in her home, even when she's missing me. We are still in love and though two weeks may have changed everything, it changed nothing and I have some memories I will never forget.

Think on where your life was only two weeks ago. While many aspects of your life may seem to not have changed at all, look more deeply and try to see the things that have. Often times those are the things we need to hear most of all.

Darlin' Girl

My Darlin', darlin girl.
Nothing in this world more precious to me
nothing in this world more pure
I sing to you because i simply cannot help myself
when I see you I am flooded,
simply overwhelemed with joy!
And what comes forth from me is a song, sung
in the spontinaiety of the moment.
I can see you there
dancing in the rain
twirling, the wind in your hair and a
smile on your lips.
YOU Are Adorable.
Meaning; I gaze upon you with adoration,
pure adoration, i feel as if I could kneel at your feet
darlin' girl,
your world mine, I yours, your knight forever; there to defend your kingdom no matter where it be.
I yours forever.
But I must stand and defend, and guide you forward in this world I myself know so little about.
Here where i often stumble and fall I provide your light. And so...
I dance in the rain with you, flying like a kite
singing like a bird with joy overflowing my heart.
If, in your life you ever remember a single thing
Remember this.
I love you with all of my heart and soul darlin girl I simply adore YOU.

From my journal. 2010

There is something pretty cool about donating to places like Goodwill. Here, I have a nice tidy bag of the past going off to become someone's future. cleansing for everyone. I remember picking things up over the years on the racks at Goodwill, the Salvation army or the Army Navy store. And though I don't have the patience o dig through every rack, I've often found I find something I want if I don't find what I need. One such item, an over sized "Coop Devil" Tee, much changed from when I bought it, is going back to the very racks I found it on, destined once again to fill someones needs. fitting I think for a garment that brought turmoil, disdain and comfort to all who saw, touched or wore it, that it continue to do so rather than be torn into rags. Our clothes have character and LIFE of their own. Reserve our underwear, holey and wholy over-used, for rags. Donate your clothes and, like rescued puppies, kittens and horses, they might continue to live.

Stay Calm and Don't Waste Bullets

Truth is, before I even get to the meat here, is that we live in a highly competitive world. Everyone is out to get theirs and if you are in their way most of them will sell you and their momma out to get ahead. I am here to tell you though, that we can fight our way through.

The one redeeming quality I find in human beings is our ability to come together and create ways to survive. Not simply survive on this planet but thrive and dominate it. This is largely done through intimidation and force of arms, I admit, that's why I am going to show you, even you scholars how to surivie in the wide, dark and frightening world.

Rule number one, stick together. Do you have a friend? Good, make it your every effort to be the est friend you can be to that person. Are you a friend? Then do your best to weed out the negative elements in your life. This way you won't accidentally pollute the rest of your life with their poison.

Once you have a solid social base you can begin intermingling them. Invite people from every aspect of your wide social network to parties you organize. And you must never forget to make apperances at the parties your friends throw. In this way you will find elements that come together smoothly and they will associate their meeting with you. Your social network then expands and you are always invited to the parties.

Now you have a solid social network and a group of people who care enough to promote what you do and who you care enough about to promote what they do. Little at a time, together, we can build a completely new way of thinking about how we do business. Who would I trust best to take a great picture of me? The photographer I know personally. Who would I rather fuck with my dreads? The Hairdresser i sare joints with. Who would I rather illistrate my book? The Artist i know. Shit, we could all have our own business and work so closely together that once  customer is cauht in the web, they are ours forever.

Keep this in mind, the others will come for us. They have to, we will be jackin' all they spots. In the dark of the night, remember that we have always been here, by your side, rockin' the mutha-fucking beat. Stay calm and don't waste bullets...we'll fight our way up out this butch.   

Happy New Year

Portals; I mean doorways, like transitions, and passages; not roads but portals.




So we walk the road of life and we chop it into chunks. Like a segmented worm, or a box of Twinkies all the little cakes separated into fist sized chunks. Three-hundred and sixty- five days of toil and conflict, made into weeks of 5 days on, 2 days off. You watch as every second ticks by; the clock is always in your head, telling you that you don’t have the time. Suffering with how many months of, how many months until? Three months until my birthday, two months until Easter, Only 11 months until Christmas.



Stand back and look at it from January first and it’s a road. It’s a long road, 365 days long. And if you look at the end, from the beginning, you just might be able to see your back in the doorway that lies at the end. Look at it from where you stand and it’s no less a daunting task, but it’s no longer a long road. Instead it’s a short moment, only a moment and nothing more a portal from this moment to the next. Every moment brings us closer to the beginning of the next long road ahead. It is this day hat’s important, this hour, this minute, this very moment.



Right now we are standing at the threshold of a new year, inside rather than out, and there is an opportunity here. This year could be the best year of our lives. All it takes is remembering that the journey is made of moments, and in each of those moments we have to make the choice on how we will cross into the next. Pass through your momentary portals, make your choices and make them well. Should you find yourself, somewhere In the balmy spring afternoon sun, crying at the state of your life you can still have the best year of your life, if you make other choices. Choose to be happy. Make your resolutions if you find it a necessary ritual, but don’t loose sight of the goal…this is the best year of our lives and we are going to live every moment as if it were so.



Portals; I mean portals, like teleporters, and dimension doors; not roads but portals granting us access to every moment.

Happy-New-Year

2010