Life ... Love ... Bullshit

Life ...

It is what it is isn't it? We are supposed to have it all figured out by now but I know people twice my age, twice as successful, twice as smart who don't know the first thing about what I know. We are supposed to have a handle on this thing. Our relationships are supposed to be deep and fulfilling and for the most part the relationships in my life are, until they fall in love with me and then that is the beginning of a long road to heart break. Life is simply one tick, one tick, one tick and we can only live it one moment at a time. There are things I've never intended but they exist because in that moment I dodged instead of ducking or I walked instead of running, or a stayed when I knew I should have left. I know that none of us live alone in this life, we live together. I know that my actions have far reaching effects and i accept that and I live my life accordingly.

Love ...

This is the tough one isn't it? Love. I remember a time in my life when i simply didn't believe in it. I had no reason to believe in it. There wasn't a single moment in my life that taught me that I should. Everybody wanted something from you, first and foremost for me to be what they thought I should be; or worse what they thought they should be able to make me. Some construct, a golem made in their image of perfect. But I am already a perfect construct made in my image. I know what I am and what I want to be. No one can love me like me. No one can stand where I stand. This is not to say that I haven't learned a thing or two about love. I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love anything. I loved and love my ex-wife. I loved "she who will not be named". Love brings pain, and disappointment.

Bullshit ...

You know what's bullshit? Let's bullet point shall we?

• Starting a relationship one way only to decide to dance to a different tune when it suits you
• Talking private business to your cronies
• Allowing said cronies to bash the one you claim to love
• Wasting my life that's bullshit
• Changing the rules mid-game without consulting the other players
• Never noticing
• Being so caught up in your own misery that you refuse to live or love
• Low balling or reneging
• Thinking I m going to be anything other than I am ... that is total bullshit

I could go on but I think you get the gist. Live and love but know that there is a huge chance it will be a huge pile of bullshit.

Empty and Futile Words

Words. I am surrounded by them every second of every day of my life. I read them, I write them, I play games using them. I enjoy studying words, and practicing the best ways to use them. My in boxes are  littered with Word of the Day emails and one of the highlights of any day is reading those emails. I like to think that, while no means a master of words, word play and word usage, I am well on my way to becoming a great crafter and weaver of the words we use. So I wonder, why are my words so often unheeded?

This question has been on my mind as of late. I don't have any answers yet. I don't have a clue why some people hear me and heed my words, though I believe they are too few, and others ignore my words, or simply scoff at me with disdain as if I have no idea what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying. I rarely if ever say anything without knowing what I am saying. A hard lesson I learned the hard way.

"Watch your words young man," I tell myself, "because they are like bullets, once they are gone, you cannot take them back. Words kill just as sure, just as true."

I said something once  that I regret saying more than anything I've said before or since. I threw a curse. I threw it with such force and elegance that it's been ringing around in my head ever since, it rings there even now. I regretted it the moment I said it and I regret it now. I wanted to take it back that second, but I couldn't then and I can't now and I know that because I know what I'm saying when I speak because I know the words. I know them well

Futile, useless and empty words. They seem to work best when used to sting, confuse and manipulate. People understand the words we use to hate because they strike us not only in the flesh but in the heart and soul with immediacy like the strike of a samurai's sword. Words of love and caring take longer to penetrate our hardened lives. They caress us and make us feel vulnerable so we trust them less. I love you, we question. Fuck you, now that we understand.

Some will say that I use to many words. They will say that I am effusive for no reason than for the love of hearing the words, writing the words reading the words back to myself. I listen to and read the great words I've written over the years and, while I can see clearly now the technical mistakes, the words themselves, the sentences and the power of my thought on paper thrills me. I recite my poems, and songs, I read my work aloud and memorize passages, I craft dialogue in the shower and I write responses to stupidity that I never send. I revel in the private elegance of my own heightened sense of self. But I know what I'm saying and my words should be heeded more often than they are.

It's an option. I would choose it.

Carpe Diem!

Hard to hold sometimes.

This year has been a rough one for me. I've had to weather a few storms and I've had to suffer a few set backs but looking back over the whole thing in these remaining days I have no choice but to admit that it wasn't all that bad.

Back in the later months of 2008 I lost my job. Honestly I got fed up with the sales man bullshit and I walked. At the time I thought, "I've always been able to find a job, it won't be a huge deal to get something else". At the time I had no real concept for the economy and what effect it was going to have on me. I was simply optimistic about the future. I suppose I always am. I grumble and grouch my way through but I never stopped trying. During my extended unemployment I took the time to refine my writing. I dabbled in radio and was interviewed for a TV spot. I snagged a gig I am very happy with at Open Heart Publishing. And in the last few days I found a full time job writing web copy. I didn't make much money and it strained more than my wallet but the work I did put in, the lessons I learned have all made me a stronger better focused man.

Maybe the gloves came off now and then.

Being broke sucks on its own. When you add the social necessity all people posses being broke creates no end to questions, quandaries and crap. I wanted to attend every party and I wanted to bring gifts to every birthday, wedding, and holiday gift exchange but I simply couldn't. I died a little every time I saw a bill I couldn't pitch in on and it bothered me. No matter how hard I worked, or where I was living I felt useless. I am aware that the tension I built within myself over my guilt may have compounded, if not caused, the rough patches in almost all of my relationships. Everyone is short on cash flow and just as revved, just as ready to fight as I was and sometimes we let the fists fly. I argued with some folks this year I would rather not have and I hope that by now we have all worked through these misunderstandings and are moving towards stronger bonds tomorrow. If I've offended you and have yet to make amends, please forgive me. I am sure you are in my mind and on my heart. (The above only applies to those that deserve my forgiveness. You other punks can eat a dick and choke on it. You know who you are.)

It's been a time of uncertainty and fear. I for one am tired of the dark hole. and I am extremely happy to see some light. All of the hard work I've put in is just beginning to pay off. My Jr. Editors gig has gone a long way towards opening doors for me and I want to thank Debrin Case for helping make that possible. He gave me a chance when NO ONE else was willing. He gave me a platform for showcasing my talent and invaluable guidance in making it great. With that though I have also made in roads with my own work with different publishers around the country. Every project, every blog, every letter for me was an opportunity to be a better writer, and to learn something. I hope I conducted my self well and made you all feel as if you walked away with at least a greater clarity.

But, it's all worked out and it appears that 2011 is going to be much better for me. I've finally found a job and I believe I will be very happy there. There is a degree of challenge to the work and there is infinite room for improvement. I will be going back to school soon. I have a goal of getting my first PhD in only ten years. That means Bachelors by 40. I plan to stay with this job at least that far, if not longer. Many of my relationships are settling into comfortable and lasting familiarity. It's good to sit and get to know one another. I look forward to having opportunity to become better acquainted with the friends I have and to meeting new people along the way.

Some of you are friends of mine and you have been with me through it all. I want you all to know, as we move into a new year, that I truly appreciate your support. I hope your new year holds magnificent things for you all. At the end I want to share what I learned. You have to take every day as a day to do something. find something and do it. Start to finish, succeed or fail you have to try. In this day and age we have a million what if's right at our fingertips. Reach out, grab one and find out what mysteries it holds.

Hey! Keep it Cartoony

Okay, we have a problem Houston!

There is a horrible rumor going around that some deep and dark secret cadre of pedophiles started the "Post a cartoon pic thing on Facebook for, (insert reason here)." I, for one, don't believe it to be true. I have seen, recently, many reasons for posting your main pic as a cartoon and not one of them, not a single one, said anything about sex with underage children. A few examples, if you'll allow:

"Make your profile pic as your favorite cartoon. The goal here is to remember what it was like to be a kid and for one week have zero human faces on Facebook."

"Make your profile pic a cartoon to help fight child abuse."

"... to help fight spousal abuse."

"...to help fight cancer."

"...tho help fight Obama."

The point is that for me, for those closest to me, it was a geek thing really. We had discussions and arguments about what was and what wasn't a cartoon. We learned things about one another we maybe never before would have known. I picked Liono because I'm a Leo and that character always meant something to me. He is a leader of a crack group of warriors alone on a hostile planet fighting and unrelenting enemy. And he's a Lion with a Sword and he's all hot for the hot Cheetah character. That's all it meant to me. I forgot about the original reason for making it a cartoon and I had a discourse and conversation about what my LIFE meant to me. The details and elements of it that made the me that is ME. 

Okay, for the sake of the argument let's say that there was some demon dark and evil that conspired to some how move the earths to create a great conspiracy to lure more children into his clutches. Let's say that some how he achieved a remarkable 2% children lured into his web. With 500 Million active profiles on Facebook that's a grand total of ten million children to choose from. I just don't under stand how he will hear their pathetic little cries over the tens of millions of geeks, nerds, newbies, nostalgic milfs, collectors, art enthusiast's, writers, and yes a few idiots he's have to listen to argue about every new anything that was coming out soon. WE have a new summer movie blockbuster summer on the horizon that includes super heroes and Harry Potter. We have Tron! Ther is always Star Wars and of course Red Dead! How would he ever know who the real kids actually are? and when he ran across one of us well, we're smarter than him. At least I'd like to think so. 

What ever your reason, don't change it now and start apologizing and taking it back because someone called you stupid for supporting a fictional child rapist. Remember why you actually did it and live with that. That's the show of true strength. That is how we defeat the perves and he haters. Grow from every experience in your life. All of them. and never forget what it was like to be a kid and have a dream.       

"Truth is ... I'm a geek and cartoons sort of influenced my life. Part of the reason I trained, and studied and worked so hard all my 35 years so far is because I want to be a bad ass like the Thunder Cats. And By The Power Of Grey Skull! I'm just saying, fuck the internet rumors and the myths. No one knows why it was started. We made it our own and rocked it and learned a bit more about one another because of it. In a week things will go back to the way they've always been. Bravo! Hold your own. Individually we all are here together." - Davin Kimble

Chubby's Burgers gave me a chubby

Image via Wikipedia

So there is this great burger place in West Fort Worth on Camp Bowie Blvd. across the street from Rusty's and Score, formally the hooker spot Gizmos. This place, I can say, truly has some of the best burgers in the area. There is one other place, Salsa Fuego, that makes some Reeeaaallly good burgers. Anyway, I digress. This burger joint is called Chubby's Burgers.

I almost hate to say anything bad about this place so, before I do I am going to tell you how I feel about their food. It is really good. The burgers are huge and flavorful, the fries are crisp and fluffy and delicious. The garden is fresh and the soda is never flat. You won't get any of that Jack in the Box or Burger King inconsistent burger roulette. I personally, as a general rule, would rather eat at a small local burger joint before a fast food giant of a place and Chubby's is one of those joints.

Now... With that said. I have the sad duty to report that I am fully disappointed with Chubby's and their staff. A bit over a week ago I walked into Chubby's with the little doe my lady friend and I could scrape together, not wanting to cook, and not wanting to eat the flesh of the giants Wendy, Jack and King, we decided on Chubby's famously good burgers. It was a Friday night and walking in it was a lot less crowded than I thought it would be. I bellied up to the bar wishing I had enough to sip a cold one while I waited on my order. As I waited I did, as I always do, take a look around the restaurant, cataloging faces, marking booties, checking my exits and escape routes. During this time I decide what to order, how to order it and approximately how much it would cost. I had time to consider the beer after all. That was when I realized, I had been sitting there for some time.

I noticed that the guy sitting to my left at the bar, sipping a beer, and the guy to my right at the bar, also sipping a beer, had moved on. The guy on my right got his food, double checked it before he paid and then sat and watched the game, basketball, before he left. The guy sitting to my left, also by now vanished, I remember answering the phone when it rang. Regular, or employee on lunch break he had to have noticed me sitting there. The wait staff, two young, cute Texas Barbie types, were working their cute little tails off but each time they went from the beer cooler, taps and register to the dining room, or TV remote, they passed me by and never spoke a word.

There was no, "Hey darlin' can I getcha a brew while you wait?"

There was no, "It's gettin' a bit busy in here hun, can I get you a soda while you wait?"

There wasn't even a, "What'll it be?"

The problem I have here is that there was no acknowledgement at all. They walked around me and I watched them serve everyone else around me and not once did anyone in that building acknowledge my presence. It was as if I was  ghost. For 45 minutes I sat there waiting to be dazzled by a Chubby Burger and no one had bothered to notice my being. It's bad enough when a man like me is ignored. The seas rise in our minds and we want to flood everything. But when we are stepped around, or over as if we don't exist ... well the world was destroyed by water the first time; here it's fire that drives us.

Destroyed by Fire!

"How DARE you ignore me?" I fume as I decide what to do.

I could speak up. But why should I have to? I am a customer with money that I've made the choice to spend in your establishment. Don't I deserve some attention? The toughest par about it was the fact that i had recently heard a story on NPR about modern racism. I am not a huge believer in the racist state and I struggled with something I'd heard during that broadcast as I sat there at that bar fuming and trying to decide what to do.

"I hate it when you are the only black man in the building and the world acts as if you don't exist." The guy on the radio had said earlier that day. I thought, then, as he said it, that those things don't happen to me. As I sat there at that bar waiting to be noticed I realized that it does and I realized that it is fucking bullshit. I decided to leave.

I have walked out of places and NEVER returned. I will still sneak into a Denny's and eat and omelette's and biscuits with sausage gravy, but I will not spend my money at Subway. I walked out of Chubby's and I bought our food, that we didn't want to cook, off of the flesh of the giants. Which one is irellevant; we ate it, we hated it and we learned a lesson.

Over the next week we talked about that night here and there and we decided that there was something that had to be done. Even if it was a small thing. In the course of these conversations, one night, hungry and not wanting to cook, and again not wanting to feast on the flesh of giants, we decided on Chubby's.

"I don't wan to go." I told her.

"I understand," she said "I'll go."

"You can tell them to kiss my ass if you want," I told her.

She did me one better than that actualy, she gave me the ultimate compliment.

"My friend was here the other day," she said to one of the 'Barbie's" behind the bar, "and he sat here for 45 minutes waiting to be acknowledged."

Of course she got the usual I'm sorry's you'd expect from an establishment that doesn't want to alienate all of the grey and invisible faces that pay their bills. Would you like a coupon? We are SOOO sorry.

"What you don't know," she continued, "is that he his a local writer and an amateur foodie and he had a bit of a following and you can believe that this won't go unnoticed.

That's when I knew that I had to say something and I have the platforms to say what I want. So ... 

Here we stand a line in the sand. While I love their food and while I will not discourage you from eating it, yet, I will ask of you one thing. When you do buy your burger from Chubby's Burgers in West Fort Worth on Camp Bowie Blvd. across the street from Rusty's and Score, formally the hooker spot Gizmos. You let those bastards know that, in this economy, they may loose a huge fan base just because of poor customer service. You let them know that we are watching and that I will be writing about it should they pass, or fail. And while you are there, grab me a Chubby.