MindFUck

So, I am sitting here, working on my "web presence", watching MindFreak, thinking about the changes a few years bring. A few short years ago, I would have been sitting here, switching between the UFC and MindFreak, in some way wishing I was one of those guys. doing push-ups as I drank beer after beer, never getting anything done. feeling like a failure before I had a chance to even try.

Now, these few years later, I sit here, after one in the morning, watching MindFreak, foregoing the UFC, wondering what I saw in any of it. I know, of course, but I still consider it. I believe that I was searching for something to believe in and, not wanting to believe with the masses, and not fully understanding my chosen path, I wandered in the macho abyss. Swallowed by not being a man, and not knowing how to become one, I found myself in years of fear and failure.

Now, right now, on the brink of.... What? Nothing really, an opprotunity to make a fool of myself, a flash that can become my crowning glory, more easily than it can become an in road to success. My daughter sleeps soundly in the room next door, a child afloat in a sea of her parents failures. My girlfriend snores softly beside me. So tired, so exausted by all we must do. Madison turned 12 today, and in a way, I feel her brothers behavior overshadowed her day. My ex-wife sits right now, in a small house where her only child must sleep on a couch every night, instead of having her own room. There are two little boys, right down the hall from me that deserve the extra minutes of time our lack of sleep gives them.

All of these people need me. They all need me to become something, because they all believe in me. They all give me the room to work, because they beleive in me. What sort of failure would I be, if I didn't believe that every opprotunity, is a chance to make their lives better?

I used to believe in violence of action. I still do in many ways. I may sign my emails with "Peace and Zen', but I will act with violence. I truly only want to give something to those who have given so much to me.

I've always believed in magic; it's never been a question to me whether or not the impossible was possible. The only question was, "how do I make it so?" While I look at the television build-up, carefully cut audience reactions, and filler, fluff; I wonder how I ever believed that he was any different from any other street magician. No matter what trick he pulls, it's still all slight of hand, misdirection, smoke and mirors, the Art of Lesser Magic. I sit on the verge of possibilities, a small predator in an ocean of much bigger, more experienced fish. But I do have the power I learned in magic. I know the psychological benefits of believing in something, and I choose this.

I will rise, as I always have. From the Great Horned son of the Dragon, to the Dragon King himself. I have to accept what lies ahead of me with great humility. I have to face what lies ahead of me with great courage. I know what must be done.

Steady as she goes

Steady as she goes

So the economy is a subject that is fresh on everyone’s mind right now. Every day we hear reports that our economy is in a recession that is alternately, slipping into a desperate depression, or reversing itself. The experts will tell us a thousand reasons why this is happening, and why it seems to change daily. They tell us that shopping helps stimulate the economy, but most of us don’t have the money to shop. We buy what we need, and on occasion catch a movie, or have a nice meal. Every day you can look around you at the world buzzing away as it always has and there truly seems to be no problems. I may not have the extra cash to spend a hot miserable day at Six Flags, but somebody does because those coasters keep –a – runnin’, don’t they?

I believe that the economy is having problems on a global scale because of the wars, and the cost of war. I believe that corporate greed and mismanagement contributes to economic loses. I believe that the way the economy affects you depends entirely on how you view your life. There are people out there making it every day on less than you have. As bad as it may seem, poor people live better here in America than poor people in other countries. We have options and opportunities right at our finger tips, and instead of utilizing them, we continue doing all the wrong things.

If the economy is going to change for the better, we are going to have to take our part in it more personally. Begin to make changes right in your home that will bring stability to the only economy that really matters, the one right in your own home.

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Testing.

Incontinence: Souls Passion

Incontinence: Souls Passion

I was snatched from the world.

Buffeted immediately by the winds that torment me still, I did not fall, no; I was torn up by Hell like a shallow weed. There was no graceless descent, only the storm. Constantly, I am whipped about by the mercy-less currents. Rain and hail and fierceness are all I feel. And the ground, the unforgiving hard-tack earth below. I am not always tossed; often I am flung, free of the gale, and left to fall crashing to the ground. There is no rest for me, broken on the stones. Great beasts roam the lands around us. Their huge feet trample and kick us as they pass. Huge, taloned hands, scoop us up with dirt and rubble, a dozen in a hand full, and toss us back into the storm. And through it all, never do I touch a soul.

Though our numbers are as great as the raindrops, I have never made contact with another soul here. As if the very air is too thick to allow contact, we never even brush one another. Often the hope is there, as you twirl past another tortured soul. You can see it mirrored in the eyes, and the terror, and the disappointment of missing the remembered intimacy, again. We reach for one another in hope on the dusty earth, seeking an escape from our tortures. And scream as those hopes are dashed to bits before our eyes, or flung into Madam Gale, lost forever.

Limbo: Souls Lament

And then I died.

Oh, what a wretched soul I became in that moment. They say that dark shadows come for you when you die, but I saw no shadow, and I saw no white light. I fell. I fell, and I cried out in utter terror as I plunged headlong into black abyss. I could see nothing, and my descent increased in speed until I felt I would be ripped apart by the sheer velocity of the winds. My cries were stripped from my lungs, and my eyes squeezed shut tight when I hit the first cliff edge. The shock of that blow was astounding. I struck that rock edge with such bone breaking force that I was rebounded and cart wheeled back out into the abyss. My eyes flew open from the shock, and as I twirled through the air, momentarily suspended, I saw others, no luckier than I, broken on those sharp ledges. Around me flew a great host of winged horrors feasting on, and fighting over, those poor souls. I saw this in only a second as I flew, then, again, I fell. Many times my body was smashed against the ledges. Once, a terrible beast, raked me from a ledge, tearing a great hole into my side. I wailed from the pain as I plummeted, again faster and faster, I could see others around me falling, some crashing into one another, the number was so great. I fell together, with them, through a great cavern. So vast was it?s depths you could not see any end. And the fear than leapt into my heart as I saw what awaited me below, was more than I can tell. Spread out below me, like great tapestries, were horrid tortures and brutal suffering. Some crashed to the stones below, only to be impaled upon a jagged weapon and deposited into a pit full of broken souls. Others fell directly into the pits and were crushed by the soul above them, or beaten back from the edges with whips and spears. I fell into the open maw of a Demon mouth and was swallowed whole. Crushing and suffocating blackness surrounded me. I was burned and broken, tangled with others limbs, I thrashed against the confines, no care for those suffering around me. The crowding in that putrid stomach was more than any but the damned could bear. The beast, finally full, vomited us into the pits, one atop the other, twisted into the shape of its throat, we splattered in a heap upon those who came before.

Above me, before I was buried, I saw a great fiend, fallen souls crashing into its back. As tall as a mountain, it labored ceaselessly, reaching down into the pits with its massive shovel like hands, churning the cauldron of souls. Those below were brought to the surface, and others were lost to the depths. This motion created a slow current that moved us about, but not for a moment did my torment stop. Carrion birds circled above me, squawking for a meal, they dove, tearing my flesh. Others around me, fighting off the flock, kicked and punched me, all struggling to remain on top of everyone else. Though the birds ate me, and the maggots chewed my flesh, I fought to remain on the surface of this sea of souls. My greatest fear was the thought of being turned, for ever, beneath that crush. As if, through my fear, I wished it into being, a succession of souls crashed into my back, pushing me down with its weight. All is black now. I can?t recall when I last drew a breath, or felt the weight of my own form. There is only the crush, and the dark.