Steady as she goes
So the economy is a subject that is fresh on everyone’s mind right now. Every day we hear reports that our economy is in a recession that is alternately, slipping into a desperate depression, or reversing itself. The experts will tell us a thousand reasons why this is happening, and why it seems to change daily. They tell us that shopping helps stimulate the economy, but most of us don’t have the money to shop. We buy what we need, and on occasion catch a movie, or have a nice meal. Every day you can look around you at the world buzzing away as it always has and there truly seems to be no problems. I may not have the extra cash to spend a hot miserable day at Six Flags, but somebody does because those coasters keep –a – runnin’, don’t they?
I believe that the economy is having problems on a global scale because of the wars, and the cost of war. I believe that corporate greed and mismanagement contributes to economic loses. I believe that the way the economy affects you depends entirely on how you view your life. There are people out there making it every day on less than you have. As bad as it may seem, poor people live better here in America than poor people in other countries. We have options and opportunities right at our finger tips, and instead of utilizing them, we continue doing all the wrong things.
If the economy is going to change for the better, we are going to have to take our part in it more personally. Begin to make changes right in your home that will bring stability to the only economy that really matters, the one right in your own home.
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Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Incontinence: Souls Passion
Incontinence: Souls Passion
I was snatched from the world.
Buffeted immediately by the winds that torment me still, I did not fall, no; I was torn up by Hell like a shallow weed. There was no graceless descent, only the storm. Constantly, I am whipped about by the mercy-less currents. Rain and hail and fierceness are all I feel. And the ground, the unforgiving hard-tack earth below. I am not always tossed; often I am flung, free of the gale, and left to fall crashing to the ground. There is no rest for me, broken on the stones. Great beasts roam the lands around us. Their huge feet trample and kick us as they pass. Huge, taloned hands, scoop us up with dirt and rubble, a dozen in a hand full, and toss us back into the storm. And through it all, never do I touch a soul.
Though our numbers are as great as the raindrops, I have never made contact with another soul here. As if the very air is too thick to allow contact, we never even brush one another. Often the hope is there, as you twirl past another tortured soul. You can see it mirrored in the eyes, and the terror, and the disappointment of missing the remembered intimacy, again. We reach for one another in hope on the dusty earth, seeking an escape from our tortures. And scream as those hopes are dashed to bits before our eyes, or flung into Madam Gale, lost forever.
I was snatched from the world.
Buffeted immediately by the winds that torment me still, I did not fall, no; I was torn up by Hell like a shallow weed. There was no graceless descent, only the storm. Constantly, I am whipped about by the mercy-less currents. Rain and hail and fierceness are all I feel. And the ground, the unforgiving hard-tack earth below. I am not always tossed; often I am flung, free of the gale, and left to fall crashing to the ground. There is no rest for me, broken on the stones. Great beasts roam the lands around us. Their huge feet trample and kick us as they pass. Huge, taloned hands, scoop us up with dirt and rubble, a dozen in a hand full, and toss us back into the storm. And through it all, never do I touch a soul.
Though our numbers are as great as the raindrops, I have never made contact with another soul here. As if the very air is too thick to allow contact, we never even brush one another. Often the hope is there, as you twirl past another tortured soul. You can see it mirrored in the eyes, and the terror, and the disappointment of missing the remembered intimacy, again. We reach for one another in hope on the dusty earth, seeking an escape from our tortures. And scream as those hopes are dashed to bits before our eyes, or flung into Madam Gale, lost forever.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Limbo: Souls Lament
And then I died.
Oh, what a wretched soul I became in that moment. They say that dark shadows come for you when you die, but I saw no shadow, and I saw no white light. I fell. I fell, and I cried out in utter terror as I plunged headlong into black abyss. I could see nothing, and my descent increased in speed until I felt I would be ripped apart by the sheer velocity of the winds. My cries were stripped from my lungs, and my eyes squeezed shut tight when I hit the first cliff edge. The shock of that blow was astounding. I struck that rock edge with such bone breaking force that I was rebounded and cart wheeled back out into the abyss. My eyes flew open from the shock, and as I twirled through the air, momentarily suspended, I saw others, no luckier than I, broken on those sharp ledges. Around me flew a great host of winged horrors feasting on, and fighting over, those poor souls. I saw this in only a second as I flew, then, again, I fell. Many times my body was smashed against the ledges. Once, a terrible beast, raked me from a ledge, tearing a great hole into my side. I wailed from the pain as I plummeted, again faster and faster, I could see others around me falling, some crashing into one another, the number was so great. I fell together, with them, through a great cavern. So vast was it?s depths you could not see any end. And the fear than leapt into my heart as I saw what awaited me below, was more than I can tell. Spread out below me, like great tapestries, were horrid tortures and brutal suffering. Some crashed to the stones below, only to be impaled upon a jagged weapon and deposited into a pit full of broken souls. Others fell directly into the pits and were crushed by the soul above them, or beaten back from the edges with whips and spears. I fell into the open maw of a Demon mouth and was swallowed whole. Crushing and suffocating blackness surrounded me. I was burned and broken, tangled with others limbs, I thrashed against the confines, no care for those suffering around me. The crowding in that putrid stomach was more than any but the damned could bear. The beast, finally full, vomited us into the pits, one atop the other, twisted into the shape of its throat, we splattered in a heap upon those who came before.
Above me, before I was buried, I saw a great fiend, fallen souls crashing into its back. As tall as a mountain, it labored ceaselessly, reaching down into the pits with its massive shovel like hands, churning the cauldron of souls. Those below were brought to the surface, and others were lost to the depths. This motion created a slow current that moved us about, but not for a moment did my torment stop. Carrion birds circled above me, squawking for a meal, they dove, tearing my flesh. Others around me, fighting off the flock, kicked and punched me, all struggling to remain on top of everyone else. Though the birds ate me, and the maggots chewed my flesh, I fought to remain on the surface of this sea of souls. My greatest fear was the thought of being turned, for ever, beneath that crush. As if, through my fear, I wished it into being, a succession of souls crashed into my back, pushing me down with its weight. All is black now. I can?t recall when I last drew a breath, or felt the weight of my own form. There is only the crush, and the dark.
Oh, what a wretched soul I became in that moment. They say that dark shadows come for you when you die, but I saw no shadow, and I saw no white light. I fell. I fell, and I cried out in utter terror as I plunged headlong into black abyss. I could see nothing, and my descent increased in speed until I felt I would be ripped apart by the sheer velocity of the winds. My cries were stripped from my lungs, and my eyes squeezed shut tight when I hit the first cliff edge. The shock of that blow was astounding. I struck that rock edge with such bone breaking force that I was rebounded and cart wheeled back out into the abyss. My eyes flew open from the shock, and as I twirled through the air, momentarily suspended, I saw others, no luckier than I, broken on those sharp ledges. Around me flew a great host of winged horrors feasting on, and fighting over, those poor souls. I saw this in only a second as I flew, then, again, I fell. Many times my body was smashed against the ledges. Once, a terrible beast, raked me from a ledge, tearing a great hole into my side. I wailed from the pain as I plummeted, again faster and faster, I could see others around me falling, some crashing into one another, the number was so great. I fell together, with them, through a great cavern. So vast was it?s depths you could not see any end. And the fear than leapt into my heart as I saw what awaited me below, was more than I can tell. Spread out below me, like great tapestries, were horrid tortures and brutal suffering. Some crashed to the stones below, only to be impaled upon a jagged weapon and deposited into a pit full of broken souls. Others fell directly into the pits and were crushed by the soul above them, or beaten back from the edges with whips and spears. I fell into the open maw of a Demon mouth and was swallowed whole. Crushing and suffocating blackness surrounded me. I was burned and broken, tangled with others limbs, I thrashed against the confines, no care for those suffering around me. The crowding in that putrid stomach was more than any but the damned could bear. The beast, finally full, vomited us into the pits, one atop the other, twisted into the shape of its throat, we splattered in a heap upon those who came before.
Above me, before I was buried, I saw a great fiend, fallen souls crashing into its back. As tall as a mountain, it labored ceaselessly, reaching down into the pits with its massive shovel like hands, churning the cauldron of souls. Those below were brought to the surface, and others were lost to the depths. This motion created a slow current that moved us about, but not for a moment did my torment stop. Carrion birds circled above me, squawking for a meal, they dove, tearing my flesh. Others around me, fighting off the flock, kicked and punched me, all struggling to remain on top of everyone else. Though the birds ate me, and the maggots chewed my flesh, I fought to remain on the surface of this sea of souls. My greatest fear was the thought of being turned, for ever, beneath that crush. As if, through my fear, I wished it into being, a succession of souls crashed into my back, pushing me down with its weight. All is black now. I can?t recall when I last drew a breath, or felt the weight of my own form. There is only the crush, and the dark.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
WTF?
A very old girlfriend and a Diamond in my heart
Or
WTF?
So, here we are at a point in my life where it seems that I have some sense of peace. Things are going well, all things considered and I am very happy. I have a loving girlfriend who gives me everything I need and want. I get to see my daughter on a regular basis and I have a pretty good relationship with her mother. Enemies are nonexistent, and I an rarely truly angry. Now don’t get too excited the story gets very fucked up. So, my friends… If you need to pee or if you have a weak stomach you should pee and make a cup of tea. Okay, are you ready? Good…here… we… go.
A few weeks ago a daughter I haven’t seen in eighteen years (yeah I know), pops up. Actually her mother popped up. Good news right? Finding a long lost child. Yeah, yes it is but don’t look forward to a happy reunion story like the ones you see on Oprah. No, this is definitely not one of those stories. This tale is grim and anger inducing. The first few days were alright as far as these things go I suppose, I am not an authority but I am quickly becoming experienced. I find that this almost adult child is in pre-med at UNLV. She is very smart and athletic, beautiful and the mother of an equally beautiful one year old daughter of her own.
Oh? What’s that? Yes I said daughter, “of her own”. I went to bed one night making the joke that I could wake up the next day a grandfather for all I knew and wonder of mutha fuckin wonders I wake up the next day a GRANDFATHER! Yeah, beware idle jokes people.
So, anyway, sometime over the next few days of constant crying from her mother who is, and has been, completely in love with me since I was 15, (I know right? WTF?) There is a plan for us to get together over spring break. She, the daughter is coming down anyway, it’s a perfect plan. Yep, until as unexpectedly as can be BAM! The kid has a car wreck while talking to me on the phone and eating some form of fucking disgusting fast food. This is the first time everything mysteriously goes dark for awhile. When the lights come back on the mother is on her way to Vegas, makes sense right?, so we keep in contact things seem to be progressing rather normally, I offer to come down as support, the kid wakes up and everything goes wonky.
Suddenly, and I say suddenly because that is how it seemed to me…BAM! Bitch it’s a new fucking day! Wake yo ass up! Suddenly the mother is cawing and blubbering about a heart condition that she’s had since her mother stabbed her in the chest for getting pregnant with a nigger baby. (I warned you this was fucked up). Apparently, she made me the beneficiary or custodian of EVERYTHING until my kid is like 25 or some shit. I’m thinking to myself, as I am certain you are, WTF? Right? Then you’re with me here. Okay my kiddo is getting better and then the next fucking day has some relapse thing and her fever won’t go down and she won’t sleep. And her mother goes down with a heart problem and has to go immediately into surgery. And… wait for it.
The lights go out again. Click just like that, silence. I don’t know what to think right. There is all this weeping and asking for help. But absolutely no listening to a fucking thing I am saying. I want to know what I need to do. Obviously if this custodian thing is real I will have some decisions to make and some questions to answer. But nope anything important goes unnoticed in the depths of what I am now realizing is a deep sea of self pity and excuses. And, fuck me, I am swimming in it during a storm and I didn’t bring a boat. Lucky for me, or lucky they couldn’t keep up the dramatics indefinitely, I am a strong swimmer and the raging emotional sea calmed a bit. Or that’s how I remember it happening.
The lull was brief but I thought very productive. It was the first time I really got to talk to my daughter without her selling me on her mother every five minutes. I find out that she is a gamer and a rapper like her father. She hates food obviously because she won’t eat anything that isn’t prepackaged and ready for consumption. Her favorite color, and music, and what’s going on with that boyfriend of hers.
Speaking of which, I forgot. When the kiddo first went into the hospital, her mother went to her place to pick up some things and finds the boyfriend fucking some other chick and proceeds to beat the shit out of them both and goes off to JAIL for two days. All together now…WTF!? Yeah, I know.
Where was I? Oh having a great time with my kid. She is getting better, leaving the hospital soon. Her mother hadn’t awoken from the surgery but, the lights are on and very bright. It was good. And then… mom get’s worse. Now Doctor Kimble proceeds to tell me she is going to find a way to save her moms life and; Blackout!
I was as tired of it as you are by this point and so some questions started needing answers. With some help I did some research, Love the WWW right? But I came up blank. Dead end. Then I learn that during all of this the mother’s myspace page is being updated every day and the daughters is bullshit. So I start asking questions. Like: “Why do we continue to ignore the important shit like, the hospital you say ya’ll are in doesn’t exist?” It’s a valid question right? Especially when everything is completely illogical. The only thing I actually believed at this point was that this is my kid. I know the mother and I know who I was fucking at 15. Everything else had a dark veil over it and then we got into a fight. My daughter and I I mean. And it was a good one. I am known to be verbally vicious when I want to be. But when I feel I must do it you deserve it believe me. So after the verbal whipping she vanishes completely. Absolute darkness.
Then, miraculous recovery her mother wakes up. What? Huh? The fuck is that shit. Heart surgery and you are sounding pretty hale and hearty. And getting out in a few days? Wow aren’t you a tough nut. Your daughter is back to work already. Yeah I know… So what’s up. Ah nothing. And there really was not much. Things were pretty cool but they crashed and continued to do so.
It seemed that every week there was a new hope and then a new reason for them to not show up. I was supposed to fly out to Vegas to meet her. That turned into her mom flying here and us driving back together, then that turned into my daughter driving here and us driving back together. None of it happened. First there was mom coming here to clear some things up and help my kid find an apartment. Then she went BACK TO JAIL here. It took my kiddo three days to get here and when she got here she never came by and neither of them would let me come over their house and always had a reason we couldn’t meet. Then I find out my daughter just moved on her own accord and would be here. Great, I thought, that’s wonderful. Still there was no meeting. They refused my invitations to dinner, they refused my invitations to hang out and recently she refused my invitation to her great-grandmothers 83rd birthday party. And some how along the way all of this is my fault. It has caused tension in my household which is happy, and full of love, light and laughter. Since this started there have been an escalating series of fights that almost destroyed my relationship.
I want nothing more than to get to know my child and grand-child and at every step I have been turned away and here, I believe is the reason why. These women in their minds had built up some idea of what this reunion would be like. Maybe they thought I would just run away into the sunset with them and we would have some family dream. Maybe they thought that instead of living my life I spent all of it wondering what could have been, living in some memory of a 6 month relationship I had when I was only 15 years old. When they didn’t get what they wanted out of me they decided instead to try to destroy it. They almost succeeded. My girlfriend and I had a huge fight last week and we split in a very ugly way. During that night and most of the next day I practically begged them to help me go to where she couldn’t find me. And again they went dark, left me hanging and blamed me for not being there waiting the next day. No I wasn’t there hanging. The woman I love showed up and there was only one way I was going to allow her to leave me at that house…if she wanted to. But they couldn’t destroy my life. They want to say that all of this was my fault. The truth is it was theirs. Diamond and Amy created this situation not me. I worried, and paced my floors, I cried and fought my loved ones on their behalf, I wondered and dreamed and lied to my mother about how well things were going. I allowed these people into my life and they made a fucking fool of me. I ate it I accepted it and I almost lost everything because I want nothing more than to be a good father to my children, if they want me to or not. And now I am just tired. I am tired of being played with, I am sick of being pushed and manipulated. Play games with your friends or those punk ass niggas you let put babies in you but do not fucking play games with me. I want to close this by giving you the one example of texts between us I still have.
Her: Hi there Crystal this is Diamond do you know where my father is please
Me: I am here baby girl whats up
Her: Hey how are you
Me: Much better. How are you love? Hey there is a little gathering for your great-grans birthday tomorrow. Want to join me?
Her: I am good so you and crystal made up and everything is back to normal
Me: Yeah. There were some things that needed to be said and we are moving forward.
Her: That’s good I thought I would let you know that we are all moving to new york
Me: So did ya’ll make that decision when your mom stood me up the other night?
Her: Mom did not mean that she was going to call you because we got hit (at the hospital where they both supposedly work.) right when she tried to leave and she was going to come that morning but she called and you were gone back to her
Me: Naw. I didn’t leave my grandmas till after one o’clok. But it’s cool I see where I stand and I get it. Just stay in touch know your father loves you and always had. When you are ready I will be here.
Her: I think that with all that has gone on I do not think so I can not deal with it and I can not be around someone who does not like my mom or anything like that okay so this is it. (for the fifteenth time.)
Me: What? This has nothing to do with your mom. She left me hanging and that’s fucked up but it has nothing to do with me liking her. I don’t even know her. But let that be your excuse. (today, she always had one or another reason to quit talking to me.) Take responsibility or run from me but don’t blame the lack of a relationship between your mom and I for your choices.
Her: I have talked to mom and she told me everything okay I am the one who told her to leave you there cause all you were going to do is go back to her (meaning Crystal,) and all the shit that she talked I knew that is all it was so do not go there with me ok so now you can keep on doing you cause mom had nothing to ever lie to you about ok I am the one who does her my space page ok so you all can think whatever about us on I knew this was a mistake from the beginning ok
Me: That hurts me. But it’s your choice, your blame not mine. Not once did you take any opportunity to get to know me. I don’t fit your mold so you choose to keep me out. And the truth is I needed you and you bailed on me. Crystal really loves me and cam through when you never did. The only mistake is that you never had the balls to face me and see my life, my world. You never cared enough, kept me out at every turn. Do what you want. You are going to anyway. Again I am here and forever will be. When you grow up maybe you will understand. Or you will act like your grand-father and toss me aside. I am used to being the scape-goat I carry that burden well. Say what you want about me. Think what you want about the father you never knew and then made the choice to not know. What ever makes you feel superior.
Her: Well I am glad that you are happy cause I know I am okay I was better for not knowing you. (She still has no fucking concept of who I am. She doesn’t get that though.)
Me:I can’t do anything about how you feel. I am simply not a dog to be led around. Playing with my emotions. Here, then not. Putting me off. Like I said, what ever helps you sleep at night. You are an adult, quit blaming me. You chose this. You are choosing to end it. For all your smarts you are a serious disappointment as a person. A Kimble is strong and faced adversity with power and grace. Keep that in mind as you journey into your future. Honor, Dignity, and truth. Not cowardice and fear.
Her: Whatever davin goodbye have a nice life bye.
Me: I wish you only peace and happiness on your journey my child. Hate me if you must but know that I love you instead. There is nothing else I can do you won’t let me.
Her: because you are full of it okay you tell my mom that none of ya’ll believe her and shit. (because there were so many inconsistencies.)
Me: That’s not what I said. Look, here is the deal. Come through for once. Do it now, right now. Get to know me, learn my life, love me or don’t. But quit playing with my emotions. I want you if you don’t feel the same then stop threatening me and be done. The only reason there is so much doubt is because every time I put forth an effort, every time I open my heart and house there is a new reason for you to say no, not now, later. You are full of it. I am ready and willing and I have been from day one. Now I am just tired of playing this same game. You guys have my address but you never opened yourselves to me. (I don’t know anything about these people, nothing.) To me there is no reason for all this drama. I am your father. If you really cared about that you would have been here in my face weeks ago I am not going to continue playing these games with you. Be real for once and face me tell me what you want. But it’s your ball game you are making the rules and changing them as you please. I am just along for the ride because I mean what I say. That’s real. Dance or clear the floor for the real b boyz. Rap or pass the fucking mic.
Her: I am sorry but I do not want anything to do with you or her but I would like to know the rest of the family just not you or her.
Me: Fuck that. One thing you fail to realize about family young one, it’s all or nothing. You can’t pick and choose. They haven’t called you because you haven’t met me. You think this is a game? This is loyalty at its best. Get in where you fit in or get the fuck out. I have been very generous with you my family is harsh and exacting.
Her: Fine then I do not want any of you, so bye I will never contact you again.
Me: Too bad. You are missing out on a very tight family that would embrace you without question if only you would quit treating me like shit. Your loss. They are dear to me, more than myself, and I to them. And as much as you would like to subvert that it won’t happen. But I am going to give you your chance to try. Let’s start with your grandmother. Her name is Q**** Marie and she is my mother and the first woman I ever loved. (here I give her my moms number. What? No you can’t have it.)
Her: 04-12-2009- Happy Easter. (Wow what’s that? I guess this was her attempt to come to the party.)
Her: 04-14-2009- Not like you care or anything but I am leaving today for New York.
Me: not like you ever gave a fuck bit I would have liked to meet you.
Her: how do you know what I wanted huh you do not the only thing you want or are worried about is your stupid respect (respect is stupid? Well that explaines errry thang!) you want people to respect you and if they do not then you want nothing to do with them and that is messed up because I tried to come meet all of you on Sunday (the happy easter text I guess.) but no one would tell me anything I texted you to find out and there was nothing so please do not give me that shit okay she does not want you around me (Crystal I guess) my daughter or my mom well I hope she is happy cause none of you have to worry about that any more ok it was a mistake to find you okay (wow really?) and I am sorry to have caused you all of the shit that I did but how could you be with a woman like that (crystal again I guess. But it proves again she does not know me. Anyone that does knows Crystal is my kind of woman.) huh love or no love that is not the woman for anyone (judgmental of people you don’t know, how charmingly xian of you.) just gross now I know why that other woman keeps you from my brother (Dante and his mom came long before Crystal and left long before too.)…
And on and on in judgment of others drawing conclusions about my life.
So this is how it ends, me screaming into the phone in the middle of the street so I don’t disturb the kids. I am on the phone, on both numbers and one brand new number I never had before with a bunch of mutha fuckas telling me they have no idea what I am talking about. I am mad as hell and feeling gangsta as fuck. I only ever tried to be the best father I could be and all I got was bullshit for a full month of my life. To the point that I was about to loose the most important things to me for the sake of a child I have never known. I was played and now I understand why these niggas go to Maury and Montell to find out the truth. When you stand up and decide you are going to be the truth all you get from the fraud ass mutha fuckas out there is bull shit and lies. All I ever wanted was to be a father to the child I never knew and all I got was drama and lies and bull and unfortunately everyone in my life was drawn into it. What I have, as my girl would say, is a whole lot of crow to eat. I have to back track on a lot of what I’ve done and said on behalf of a lie others told. I am the truth but it would seem that even that is not enough. It would seem that you also have to know that others are as well. I am saddened as well as angered by this situation. I feel that out of their fear of what I might do, what I would do, they decided that deniability was the best option. Now I know why I never got an address or one moment of face time. Now I know why I never saw these people or learned one thing about their lives. If there ever was a child she is just as guilty as the rest and she can die with the people she chose over me. She can DIE do you hear me she can burn and rot with the rest. Yes I am fucking pissed and I mean every word of it. Eat shit and die slow all of you. I am DONE!
Or
WTF?
So, here we are at a point in my life where it seems that I have some sense of peace. Things are going well, all things considered and I am very happy. I have a loving girlfriend who gives me everything I need and want. I get to see my daughter on a regular basis and I have a pretty good relationship with her mother. Enemies are nonexistent, and I an rarely truly angry. Now don’t get too excited the story gets very fucked up. So, my friends… If you need to pee or if you have a weak stomach you should pee and make a cup of tea. Okay, are you ready? Good…here… we… go.
A few weeks ago a daughter I haven’t seen in eighteen years (yeah I know), pops up. Actually her mother popped up. Good news right? Finding a long lost child. Yeah, yes it is but don’t look forward to a happy reunion story like the ones you see on Oprah. No, this is definitely not one of those stories. This tale is grim and anger inducing. The first few days were alright as far as these things go I suppose, I am not an authority but I am quickly becoming experienced. I find that this almost adult child is in pre-med at UNLV. She is very smart and athletic, beautiful and the mother of an equally beautiful one year old daughter of her own.
Oh? What’s that? Yes I said daughter, “of her own”. I went to bed one night making the joke that I could wake up the next day a grandfather for all I knew and wonder of mutha fuckin wonders I wake up the next day a GRANDFATHER! Yeah, beware idle jokes people.
So, anyway, sometime over the next few days of constant crying from her mother who is, and has been, completely in love with me since I was 15, (I know right? WTF?) There is a plan for us to get together over spring break. She, the daughter is coming down anyway, it’s a perfect plan. Yep, until as unexpectedly as can be BAM! The kid has a car wreck while talking to me on the phone and eating some form of fucking disgusting fast food. This is the first time everything mysteriously goes dark for awhile. When the lights come back on the mother is on her way to Vegas, makes sense right?, so we keep in contact things seem to be progressing rather normally, I offer to come down as support, the kid wakes up and everything goes wonky.
Suddenly, and I say suddenly because that is how it seemed to me…BAM! Bitch it’s a new fucking day! Wake yo ass up! Suddenly the mother is cawing and blubbering about a heart condition that she’s had since her mother stabbed her in the chest for getting pregnant with a nigger baby. (I warned you this was fucked up). Apparently, she made me the beneficiary or custodian of EVERYTHING until my kid is like 25 or some shit. I’m thinking to myself, as I am certain you are, WTF? Right? Then you’re with me here. Okay my kiddo is getting better and then the next fucking day has some relapse thing and her fever won’t go down and she won’t sleep. And her mother goes down with a heart problem and has to go immediately into surgery. And… wait for it.
The lights go out again. Click just like that, silence. I don’t know what to think right. There is all this weeping and asking for help. But absolutely no listening to a fucking thing I am saying. I want to know what I need to do. Obviously if this custodian thing is real I will have some decisions to make and some questions to answer. But nope anything important goes unnoticed in the depths of what I am now realizing is a deep sea of self pity and excuses. And, fuck me, I am swimming in it during a storm and I didn’t bring a boat. Lucky for me, or lucky they couldn’t keep up the dramatics indefinitely, I am a strong swimmer and the raging emotional sea calmed a bit. Or that’s how I remember it happening.
The lull was brief but I thought very productive. It was the first time I really got to talk to my daughter without her selling me on her mother every five minutes. I find out that she is a gamer and a rapper like her father. She hates food obviously because she won’t eat anything that isn’t prepackaged and ready for consumption. Her favorite color, and music, and what’s going on with that boyfriend of hers.
Speaking of which, I forgot. When the kiddo first went into the hospital, her mother went to her place to pick up some things and finds the boyfriend fucking some other chick and proceeds to beat the shit out of them both and goes off to JAIL for two days. All together now…WTF!? Yeah, I know.
Where was I? Oh having a great time with my kid. She is getting better, leaving the hospital soon. Her mother hadn’t awoken from the surgery but, the lights are on and very bright. It was good. And then… mom get’s worse. Now Doctor Kimble proceeds to tell me she is going to find a way to save her moms life and; Blackout!
I was as tired of it as you are by this point and so some questions started needing answers. With some help I did some research, Love the WWW right? But I came up blank. Dead end. Then I learn that during all of this the mother’s myspace page is being updated every day and the daughters is bullshit. So I start asking questions. Like: “Why do we continue to ignore the important shit like, the hospital you say ya’ll are in doesn’t exist?” It’s a valid question right? Especially when everything is completely illogical. The only thing I actually believed at this point was that this is my kid. I know the mother and I know who I was fucking at 15. Everything else had a dark veil over it and then we got into a fight. My daughter and I I mean. And it was a good one. I am known to be verbally vicious when I want to be. But when I feel I must do it you deserve it believe me. So after the verbal whipping she vanishes completely. Absolute darkness.
Then, miraculous recovery her mother wakes up. What? Huh? The fuck is that shit. Heart surgery and you are sounding pretty hale and hearty. And getting out in a few days? Wow aren’t you a tough nut. Your daughter is back to work already. Yeah I know… So what’s up. Ah nothing. And there really was not much. Things were pretty cool but they crashed and continued to do so.
It seemed that every week there was a new hope and then a new reason for them to not show up. I was supposed to fly out to Vegas to meet her. That turned into her mom flying here and us driving back together, then that turned into my daughter driving here and us driving back together. None of it happened. First there was mom coming here to clear some things up and help my kid find an apartment. Then she went BACK TO JAIL here. It took my kiddo three days to get here and when she got here she never came by and neither of them would let me come over their house and always had a reason we couldn’t meet. Then I find out my daughter just moved on her own accord and would be here. Great, I thought, that’s wonderful. Still there was no meeting. They refused my invitations to dinner, they refused my invitations to hang out and recently she refused my invitation to her great-grandmothers 83rd birthday party. And some how along the way all of this is my fault. It has caused tension in my household which is happy, and full of love, light and laughter. Since this started there have been an escalating series of fights that almost destroyed my relationship.
I want nothing more than to get to know my child and grand-child and at every step I have been turned away and here, I believe is the reason why. These women in their minds had built up some idea of what this reunion would be like. Maybe they thought I would just run away into the sunset with them and we would have some family dream. Maybe they thought that instead of living my life I spent all of it wondering what could have been, living in some memory of a 6 month relationship I had when I was only 15 years old. When they didn’t get what they wanted out of me they decided instead to try to destroy it. They almost succeeded. My girlfriend and I had a huge fight last week and we split in a very ugly way. During that night and most of the next day I practically begged them to help me go to where she couldn’t find me. And again they went dark, left me hanging and blamed me for not being there waiting the next day. No I wasn’t there hanging. The woman I love showed up and there was only one way I was going to allow her to leave me at that house…if she wanted to. But they couldn’t destroy my life. They want to say that all of this was my fault. The truth is it was theirs. Diamond and Amy created this situation not me. I worried, and paced my floors, I cried and fought my loved ones on their behalf, I wondered and dreamed and lied to my mother about how well things were going. I allowed these people into my life and they made a fucking fool of me. I ate it I accepted it and I almost lost everything because I want nothing more than to be a good father to my children, if they want me to or not. And now I am just tired. I am tired of being played with, I am sick of being pushed and manipulated. Play games with your friends or those punk ass niggas you let put babies in you but do not fucking play games with me. I want to close this by giving you the one example of texts between us I still have.
Her: Hi there Crystal this is Diamond do you know where my father is please
Me: I am here baby girl whats up
Her: Hey how are you
Me: Much better. How are you love? Hey there is a little gathering for your great-grans birthday tomorrow. Want to join me?
Her: I am good so you and crystal made up and everything is back to normal
Me: Yeah. There were some things that needed to be said and we are moving forward.
Her: That’s good I thought I would let you know that we are all moving to new york
Me: So did ya’ll make that decision when your mom stood me up the other night?
Her: Mom did not mean that she was going to call you because we got hit (at the hospital where they both supposedly work.) right when she tried to leave and she was going to come that morning but she called and you were gone back to her
Me: Naw. I didn’t leave my grandmas till after one o’clok. But it’s cool I see where I stand and I get it. Just stay in touch know your father loves you and always had. When you are ready I will be here.
Her: I think that with all that has gone on I do not think so I can not deal with it and I can not be around someone who does not like my mom or anything like that okay so this is it. (for the fifteenth time.)
Me: What? This has nothing to do with your mom. She left me hanging and that’s fucked up but it has nothing to do with me liking her. I don’t even know her. But let that be your excuse. (today, she always had one or another reason to quit talking to me.) Take responsibility or run from me but don’t blame the lack of a relationship between your mom and I for your choices.
Her: I have talked to mom and she told me everything okay I am the one who told her to leave you there cause all you were going to do is go back to her (meaning Crystal,) and all the shit that she talked I knew that is all it was so do not go there with me ok so now you can keep on doing you cause mom had nothing to ever lie to you about ok I am the one who does her my space page ok so you all can think whatever about us on I knew this was a mistake from the beginning ok
Me: That hurts me. But it’s your choice, your blame not mine. Not once did you take any opportunity to get to know me. I don’t fit your mold so you choose to keep me out. And the truth is I needed you and you bailed on me. Crystal really loves me and cam through when you never did. The only mistake is that you never had the balls to face me and see my life, my world. You never cared enough, kept me out at every turn. Do what you want. You are going to anyway. Again I am here and forever will be. When you grow up maybe you will understand. Or you will act like your grand-father and toss me aside. I am used to being the scape-goat I carry that burden well. Say what you want about me. Think what you want about the father you never knew and then made the choice to not know. What ever makes you feel superior.
Her: Well I am glad that you are happy cause I know I am okay I was better for not knowing you. (She still has no fucking concept of who I am. She doesn’t get that though.)
Me:I can’t do anything about how you feel. I am simply not a dog to be led around. Playing with my emotions. Here, then not. Putting me off. Like I said, what ever helps you sleep at night. You are an adult, quit blaming me. You chose this. You are choosing to end it. For all your smarts you are a serious disappointment as a person. A Kimble is strong and faced adversity with power and grace. Keep that in mind as you journey into your future. Honor, Dignity, and truth. Not cowardice and fear.
Her: Whatever davin goodbye have a nice life bye.
Me: I wish you only peace and happiness on your journey my child. Hate me if you must but know that I love you instead. There is nothing else I can do you won’t let me.
Her: because you are full of it okay you tell my mom that none of ya’ll believe her and shit. (because there were so many inconsistencies.)
Me: That’s not what I said. Look, here is the deal. Come through for once. Do it now, right now. Get to know me, learn my life, love me or don’t. But quit playing with my emotions. I want you if you don’t feel the same then stop threatening me and be done. The only reason there is so much doubt is because every time I put forth an effort, every time I open my heart and house there is a new reason for you to say no, not now, later. You are full of it. I am ready and willing and I have been from day one. Now I am just tired of playing this same game. You guys have my address but you never opened yourselves to me. (I don’t know anything about these people, nothing.) To me there is no reason for all this drama. I am your father. If you really cared about that you would have been here in my face weeks ago I am not going to continue playing these games with you. Be real for once and face me tell me what you want. But it’s your ball game you are making the rules and changing them as you please. I am just along for the ride because I mean what I say. That’s real. Dance or clear the floor for the real b boyz. Rap or pass the fucking mic.
Her: I am sorry but I do not want anything to do with you or her but I would like to know the rest of the family just not you or her.
Me: Fuck that. One thing you fail to realize about family young one, it’s all or nothing. You can’t pick and choose. They haven’t called you because you haven’t met me. You think this is a game? This is loyalty at its best. Get in where you fit in or get the fuck out. I have been very generous with you my family is harsh and exacting.
Her: Fine then I do not want any of you, so bye I will never contact you again.
Me: Too bad. You are missing out on a very tight family that would embrace you without question if only you would quit treating me like shit. Your loss. They are dear to me, more than myself, and I to them. And as much as you would like to subvert that it won’t happen. But I am going to give you your chance to try. Let’s start with your grandmother. Her name is Q**** Marie and she is my mother and the first woman I ever loved. (here I give her my moms number. What? No you can’t have it.)
Her: 04-12-2009- Happy Easter. (Wow what’s that? I guess this was her attempt to come to the party.)
Her: 04-14-2009- Not like you care or anything but I am leaving today for New York.
Me: not like you ever gave a fuck bit I would have liked to meet you.
Her: how do you know what I wanted huh you do not the only thing you want or are worried about is your stupid respect (respect is stupid? Well that explaines errry thang!) you want people to respect you and if they do not then you want nothing to do with them and that is messed up because I tried to come meet all of you on Sunday (the happy easter text I guess.) but no one would tell me anything I texted you to find out and there was nothing so please do not give me that shit okay she does not want you around me (Crystal I guess) my daughter or my mom well I hope she is happy cause none of you have to worry about that any more ok it was a mistake to find you okay (wow really?) and I am sorry to have caused you all of the shit that I did but how could you be with a woman like that (crystal again I guess. But it proves again she does not know me. Anyone that does knows Crystal is my kind of woman.) huh love or no love that is not the woman for anyone (judgmental of people you don’t know, how charmingly xian of you.) just gross now I know why that other woman keeps you from my brother (Dante and his mom came long before Crystal and left long before too.)…
And on and on in judgment of others drawing conclusions about my life.
So this is how it ends, me screaming into the phone in the middle of the street so I don’t disturb the kids. I am on the phone, on both numbers and one brand new number I never had before with a bunch of mutha fuckas telling me they have no idea what I am talking about. I am mad as hell and feeling gangsta as fuck. I only ever tried to be the best father I could be and all I got was bullshit for a full month of my life. To the point that I was about to loose the most important things to me for the sake of a child I have never known. I was played and now I understand why these niggas go to Maury and Montell to find out the truth. When you stand up and decide you are going to be the truth all you get from the fraud ass mutha fuckas out there is bull shit and lies. All I ever wanted was to be a father to the child I never knew and all I got was drama and lies and bull and unfortunately everyone in my life was drawn into it. What I have, as my girl would say, is a whole lot of crow to eat. I have to back track on a lot of what I’ve done and said on behalf of a lie others told. I am the truth but it would seem that even that is not enough. It would seem that you also have to know that others are as well. I am saddened as well as angered by this situation. I feel that out of their fear of what I might do, what I would do, they decided that deniability was the best option. Now I know why I never got an address or one moment of face time. Now I know why I never saw these people or learned one thing about their lives. If there ever was a child she is just as guilty as the rest and she can die with the people she chose over me. She can DIE do you hear me she can burn and rot with the rest. Yes I am fucking pissed and I mean every word of it. Eat shit and die slow all of you. I am DONE!
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